Just another day in Hell

Haven't been on in a long time, not that anyone cares.

I've been distracted a lot by Jay. He doesn't always mean to disract me, but it just happens... We spend as much time together as we can. Next Thursday marks our six month anniversary and the last day of school...

Last night and today, we had an ongoing arguement of sorts. I'm not going to explain it because I'm tired of talking about it. Basically, I have no idea where Jay and I stand right now. He's currently at work. We haven't talked to each other face to face today. Our only communication existed through texting. We haven't texted since about 1:30pm. He usually gives me a ride to school, but I opted to walk today. I was scared to even see him let alone talk to him. When I got to school, he was sitting against the wall kind of staring off into space. I sat down next to him and lay my head on his knee. He hardly acknowledged my presence. I'm really bad at "making up", and he knows that, but I tried. He didn't react. All day, it felt like he was blowing me off. I bet he wouldn't've even talked to me at all if I hadn't texted him during second period. I had already apologized to him twice that morning.

I was never going to break up with him, but I guess the way I was talking made him assume that's what I was doing. I didn't deny it because it looked like the only thing I could do. We're not currently broken up, but I don't know where we stand, like I mentioned before. I want to see him... I miss him... I always miss him... A lot of the time, I feel like my feelings are more intense than his, and that's never a good thing to have in a relationship. If we're not on the same page, then what the hell are we doing together?? I honestly have no idea what the answer is to that question. Why are we together? Love is all that's keeping us together... Sometimes I wonder if it's enough... So far, it has been.

He hasn't made a definite decision on what he's going to do after high school. He'll either go into the Navy or the National Guard. He's so lazy sometimes that I wonder if he could cut it in the Navy. He wants to go to college, and since his grades have pretty much always sucked, he'll need to be in the military so he can go to college for free. This is going to sound horrible, but I don't think he could cut it in college either. No motivation, and no matter what anyone does, it seems like it's impossible for him to be motivated enough to do something to better himself.

I know it sounds like I'm ripping on him, but what did you expect? I'm still a little pissed off. Ignored by the love of my life all day... I'm not exactly in the greatest mood. He thinks he never does anything wrong. I'm more of a man than he is! I can accept that I'm at fault and admit it too. Not only that, but I work to try and change it. I do that for him. He doesn't do anything like that for me. I always thought that I would never change for any guy because the right one would find nothing wrong with me. Then, I discovered that it's more likely that once I find the right person, he'll be the one that will give me reason to change for the better. It's always made sense to me. But he doesn't get it... Or he just doesn't believe it. He doesn't try to change anything for me. He doesn't always realize that everything he does affects me in one way or another. Therefore, it is not okay for him to do or say whatever the hell he wants without regards to me. If he happens to think it's okay, then I refuse to be with him. We haven't crossed this bridge yet, but with the way things have been going, I've got plenty of evidence that suggests he does indeed do and say whatever he wants without regards to me. He has to understand that if he loves me as much as he thinks he does, then he will change one way or another, otherwise I'll end up breaking up with him, because if he never changes, then he sends me the message that he doesn't really care about our relationship, and I don't need to be with someone who's not worth my love.

But let's get off the subject of him and my anal ways.

Ryan texted me today and told me he was in Denver. He lives in Bayfield, Colorado. Cassie and I met him and his friend Zach in Silverton nearly three years ago. Cassie is going back to Silverton this summer for the Fourth of July. She's invited me to go with, but my parents are such procrastinators. I really want to go because we had a blast last time, but I know my dad wouldn't want me to go. Also, I wanted Jay to go with us, but I know neither of my parents would like that, even knowing that Cassie's family would be there. And if Jay didn't go, he wouldn't be happy knowing that Zach and Ryan would be there and that I would be spending the whole time with them, along with Cassie. But you know what? Maybe Jay needs to be freaked out a little bit. Maybe I need to make him jealous. Maybe then he'll be motivated to show me that he cares. Actions speak louder than words, for me, at least. What would he have done if I did break up with him today? He used to say he would fight till the end to keep me and convince me that he's the only one for me. I believed him at the time, but now I'm thinking he would just go into his depressed/suicidal mode. I don't want someone who won't fight for me...

My grandma has been in the hospital for a week now.

I got 10 extra credit points in my History class today because I went to see Star Trek last weekend. My History teacher is a total Trekie. I absolutely love that movie. This is probably going to make some of you gag, but I have to say that Spock was kind of a hottie. Completely different and extremely smart and influential and hard-to-get. He has standards, but he's also very capable of change. He doesn't run away from his problems and will sacrifice his life for those he loves. But that's why fictional characters exist: so us girls can bitch and whine about how we wish our guys were impossibly perfect. Hence, the reason for the popularity of Twilight.

I think Star Trek may be my new favorite movie. It was just AMAZING!!! But I still want to see X-Men: Orgins and Night At The Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian. However, unless I go by myself, which I will not do, I highly doubt I'll be seeing either of those movies until Ashley gets them. Plus, I can't spend very much of my money. I need to save it for school bills and school supplies. So I'm pretty much screwed as far as going out and having a little fun is concerned.

Jay should be off of work now. He hasn't texted me and probably won't until around 10pm, if at all.

I won a book online. I entered a contest. It should be arriving at my dad's house soon...

I did my dirty little deed again. I had gone two weeks without doing it until today.

I currently have seven A's and two B's.

I've been skipping my third and sixth hour for the past two weeks.

I got stung in the foot by a bee two days ago. I was a little scared because I'd never been stung by anything before and I didn't know what to do. I tried to get ahold of Jay because my foot went numb. He wouldn't've come to help me even if I had been able to ask him. I would've done it for him in a heartbeat, however.

I turned 16 on April 11th. My dad's side of the family ignored me even though myself, my dad, and my brother were sitting just a table away from them.

My mom is moving out of the apartment and into a house with Ashley and Luke helping to pay rent on it. We start moving tomorrow.

Jeffery and his girlfriend Miranda have been dating steadily for a few months now.

My cousin Jesse and his girlfriend Bernedette have officially been together for two years.

I miss Steven. He was always there for me, but not now. He's too good for me. I'm probably the best friend he ever had. Everyone else screwed him over and were nothing but a bad influence on him. But then again, that typically happens to nearly everyone who goes to West.

Jay still hasn't texted me. It's been half an hour since he got off of work.

I have to babysit tomorrow at 6:30pm. My mom will be gone at 2pm for a babyshower in Fort Morgan. Ashley will be working. My brother will be with my dad. It'll just be me, Lincoln, and Kahlua. I don't plan on talking to Jay if I can help it, not unless he talks to me first.

I started my period last night and my mom doesn't have enough supplies.

I'm totally fucking screwed, in almost every way imaginable, except in the sexual way, thank God.