I'm back.

I expect that no one reads my blog anymore, which is a good thing...for me... I've decided not to tell Jay that I've begun to blog again. There are still some things I'm not ready for him to know. If he does happen to read this, then that'll be the time for confrontations. But not now. I can't do that too...

I auditioned for the musical today. We're doing Little Shop Of Horrors this year. Gloria heard me practicing yesterday, and she said I sounded really good. She thought I could get the lead female role. But the thing is... I don't think I can. I don't think I did. I went for it because I thought, "What the hell?"... But I kinda regret it... First of all, I wasn't even sure I wanted to take part in the musical when I tried out for it. I just did it. Second of all, I won't lie... I'll be bummed if I don't get a lead part. I've tried so hard to improve everything. I know I'm a good singer. I know I have a damn good voice, but the thing that's really handicapping me is that I'm not as good of an actress as I am a singer.

I know that the "judges" were looking for a girl who could sing well, but they also need a girl who can act. I tried to pull it off today, but I didn't do very well. I still did much better than last year, but that's in the past, and it hardly matters now. I think I could've done better if I didn't have stage fright. I've had it since I was about seven or eight. I've been trying so impossibly hard to get over it, but I haven't been able to. It's gotten better, but it's still nowhere near where I need it to be. This might take years for me to get over, or I might never get over it, which would suck donkey balls... But it's something I have to try and change. I want to have a career in music. I really really do. I always have. I still need to learn how to read music fluently and develop my voice more. I've been working on both of those things, as well as my acting. I'm a fantastic actress when I want to be. I do it without thinking. I could make anyone believe anything, but when it comes to doing it on purpose and for an audience, I just can't do it. It's impossible...

So I'm thinking that I didn't make call-backs today. I blanked out in the middle of the chorus, my acting wasn't up to par, and my voice isn't exactly what they're looking for. And I'm not blonde. Even if I do make call-backs, it won't be for the lead part. It'll be for something else. I told Jay I wouldn't continue with the musical if I didn't get a significant part, (mostly because I don't want all of the added stress that comes with it, and because it might take even more time away from Jay and I), but I don't know if I'll be able to do that. This is music... I love music... Music is my life. It always has been. How can I allow myself to miss out on the opportunity to be a part of this? I don't think I can... Jay won't like that very much, but what am I supposed to do? It's not like I'm about to ask him to forget about the Navy and stay here with me. I won't do that to him because it's what he wants. I never want to keep him from what he wants...

I know I'll probably be cast in the musical, but not as a lead, and possibly not as anyone significant. I won't be dropping out of the musical unless I change my mind...because that's usually how it works... >.> And although Jay won't like it, and it means I may spend even less time with him, I'm going to do it...

I don't think I've ever introduced Micah to this blog. No, Micah isn't his real name, but I feel the need to protect him. He's done nothing to deserve all the crap he gets. At least, nothing that I know of...

Micah and I go to school together. We're friends, but not that great of friends. We've only been actually talking for a little while. He's a little older than me and he's in band. Cassie has a little bit of a crush on him, and he really likes her, but she's still hooked on Kansas, and Kansas just will not let her go. Micah is interested in a couple other girls, but he told me today that he's just going to let things happen as they happen. Whether he'll actually do that, I'm not sure, but I think it's likely that he will.

Anyway, Micah had talked about how he was thinking about trying out for this year's musical. I never had any clue that he could sing, and to this day, I still haven't heard his voice. I ended up relaying the musical information to him and we kept each other updated while we prepared for today during the last month or so. Today, I auditioned, and he went right after me. I didn't hear him at all because I was in a noisy area, and he was in the auditorium for his closed audition, but he must be really really good because when he came out of the auditorium, he said that he'd made call-backs. I was shocked, but only because I was surprised that he would do so well on his first audition. I'm always a mess whenever I do it... But I can honestly say that I'm extremely proud and excited for him. I've been telling him that he would be perfect for the role of the Dentist, and he thinks it would be a really fun part to play. Since he made call-backs already, I know he'll get a lead part. I'm so happy for him, and I don't even know why!!!

But here's my major dilemma... I'm a sucker for guys who can sing. Jay could sing if he was taught, but he doesn't have a natural talent for it. Apparently, Micah does. I don't like him like that... I think... I mean... I while ago (before Jay and I were together), I was intrigued by him. He's funny, witty, smart, cute, and he's a man of music. I should be drooling over him. I'm sure I would've if I'd known he was an amazing singer... Now, I'm not crushing on him, but I'm intrigued again...

I love Jay with all my heart and want nothing more than to be with him for the rest of my life. He's pretty much perfect for me... But... I was thinking today, and I don't see how Micah wouldn't be just as perfect for me... I know I could be happy with him, but I never see my feelings escalating to that point and I don't see him liking me like that. I honestly don't want things to end up like that. I'm with Jay, and I'm happy. Beyond happy. I just can't help but wonder... What if...?

I really hope Jay never reads this one. I know I've said that before, but this time, I really am scared of his reaction. I don't know if he'll understand that I love him and have no intention of ever leaving him for anything, but that I'm again starting to realize that things change. People change. His feelings and mine may change with time. Right now, neither of us thinks that'll happen, but you never know. No one can be sure of love. No one can be sure of anything, except time. Time has never stopped and it never will. I don't think he'll share my views on this subject, but it's the truth. I know it is. Knowing Micah and trusting him has made me think about the future and what it truly holds for us all...

In the back of my mind, there is the slightest doubt that I'm trying to get rid of. I need a sign. I need to know if I've made the right choice. If I haven't, then I want all of this to stop. I want it all to go back to normal so that I can make the right choice the first time around. But truthfully, I hope the choice I've made is the right one, not just for the sake of making the right choice, but because I'm in love, and I only ever wanted to do things right the first time around...

One love. One life. One chance.

I don't want to go through life always having to guess on the most important things...