I'm back.

I expect that no one reads my blog anymore, which is a good thing...for me... I've decided not to tell Jay that I've begun to blog again. There are still some things I'm not ready for him to know. If he does happen to read this, then that'll be the time for confrontations. But not now. I can't do that too...

I auditioned for the musical today. We're doing Little Shop Of Horrors this year. Gloria heard me practicing yesterday, and she said I sounded really good. She thought I could get the lead female role. But the thing is... I don't think I can. I don't think I did. I went for it because I thought, "What the hell?"... But I kinda regret it... First of all, I wasn't even sure I wanted to take part in the musical when I tried out for it. I just did it. Second of all, I won't lie... I'll be bummed if I don't get a lead part. I've tried so hard to improve everything. I know I'm a good singer. I know I have a damn good voice, but the thing that's really handicapping me is that I'm not as good of an actress as I am a singer.

I know that the "judges" were looking for a girl who could sing well, but they also need a girl who can act. I tried to pull it off today, but I didn't do very well. I still did much better than last year, but that's in the past, and it hardly matters now. I think I could've done better if I didn't have stage fright. I've had it since I was about seven or eight. I've been trying so impossibly hard to get over it, but I haven't been able to. It's gotten better, but it's still nowhere near where I need it to be. This might take years for me to get over, or I might never get over it, which would suck donkey balls... But it's something I have to try and change. I want to have a career in music. I really really do. I always have. I still need to learn how to read music fluently and develop my voice more. I've been working on both of those things, as well as my acting. I'm a fantastic actress when I want to be. I do it without thinking. I could make anyone believe anything, but when it comes to doing it on purpose and for an audience, I just can't do it. It's impossible...

So I'm thinking that I didn't make call-backs today. I blanked out in the middle of the chorus, my acting wasn't up to par, and my voice isn't exactly what they're looking for. And I'm not blonde. Even if I do make call-backs, it won't be for the lead part. It'll be for something else. I told Jay I wouldn't continue with the musical if I didn't get a significant part, (mostly because I don't want all of the added stress that comes with it, and because it might take even more time away from Jay and I), but I don't know if I'll be able to do that. This is music... I love music... Music is my life. It always has been. How can I allow myself to miss out on the opportunity to be a part of this? I don't think I can... Jay won't like that very much, but what am I supposed to do? It's not like I'm about to ask him to forget about the Navy and stay here with me. I won't do that to him because it's what he wants. I never want to keep him from what he wants...

I know I'll probably be cast in the musical, but not as a lead, and possibly not as anyone significant. I won't be dropping out of the musical unless I change my mind...because that's usually how it works... >.> And although Jay won't like it, and it means I may spend even less time with him, I'm going to do it...

I don't think I've ever introduced Micah to this blog. No, Micah isn't his real name, but I feel the need to protect him. He's done nothing to deserve all the crap he gets. At least, nothing that I know of...

Micah and I go to school together. We're friends, but not that great of friends. We've only been actually talking for a little while. He's a little older than me and he's in band. Cassie has a little bit of a crush on him, and he really likes her, but she's still hooked on Kansas, and Kansas just will not let her go. Micah is interested in a couple other girls, but he told me today that he's just going to let things happen as they happen. Whether he'll actually do that, I'm not sure, but I think it's likely that he will.

Anyway, Micah had talked about how he was thinking about trying out for this year's musical. I never had any clue that he could sing, and to this day, I still haven't heard his voice. I ended up relaying the musical information to him and we kept each other updated while we prepared for today during the last month or so. Today, I auditioned, and he went right after me. I didn't hear him at all because I was in a noisy area, and he was in the auditorium for his closed audition, but he must be really really good because when he came out of the auditorium, he said that he'd made call-backs. I was shocked, but only because I was surprised that he would do so well on his first audition. I'm always a mess whenever I do it... But I can honestly say that I'm extremely proud and excited for him. I've been telling him that he would be perfect for the role of the Dentist, and he thinks it would be a really fun part to play. Since he made call-backs already, I know he'll get a lead part. I'm so happy for him, and I don't even know why!!!

But here's my major dilemma... I'm a sucker for guys who can sing. Jay could sing if he was taught, but he doesn't have a natural talent for it. Apparently, Micah does. I don't like him like that... I think... I mean... I while ago (before Jay and I were together), I was intrigued by him. He's funny, witty, smart, cute, and he's a man of music. I should be drooling over him. I'm sure I would've if I'd known he was an amazing singer... Now, I'm not crushing on him, but I'm intrigued again...

I love Jay with all my heart and want nothing more than to be with him for the rest of my life. He's pretty much perfect for me... But... I was thinking today, and I don't see how Micah wouldn't be just as perfect for me... I know I could be happy with him, but I never see my feelings escalating to that point and I don't see him liking me like that. I honestly don't want things to end up like that. I'm with Jay, and I'm happy. Beyond happy. I just can't help but wonder... What if...?

I really hope Jay never reads this one. I know I've said that before, but this time, I really am scared of his reaction. I don't know if he'll understand that I love him and have no intention of ever leaving him for anything, but that I'm again starting to realize that things change. People change. His feelings and mine may change with time. Right now, neither of us thinks that'll happen, but you never know. No one can be sure of love. No one can be sure of anything, except time. Time has never stopped and it never will. I don't think he'll share my views on this subject, but it's the truth. I know it is. Knowing Micah and trusting him has made me think about the future and what it truly holds for us all...

In the back of my mind, there is the slightest doubt that I'm trying to get rid of. I need a sign. I need to know if I've made the right choice. If I haven't, then I want all of this to stop. I want it all to go back to normal so that I can make the right choice the first time around. But truthfully, I hope the choice I've made is the right one, not just for the sake of making the right choice, but because I'm in love, and I only ever wanted to do things right the first time around...

One love. One life. One chance.

I don't want to go through life always having to guess on the most important things...

So far, so good...

Alright. So I'll just jump right into it...

When I talked to Jay last night, we discussed a few things:

1) He asked what I would be doing today after school... I said I didn't have any plans and he said he was wondering if I wanted to hang out. I agreed and he felt he needed to assure me that he's not clingy, but that he felt the need to be around me a lot. I don't mind it at all, and I think he knows that.

2) We talked about the future a little bit. Like when he goes to the Navy, he'll be writing me letters all the time and he'll call me whenever he can. This is also fine with me because 1: I like letters, and 2: I love that he'll be thinking about me enough to write me letters all the time...

3) We discussed our first kiss a little bit. I felt like he did all the work, and I was a little grateful for that because I had no idea what I was doing. (Side note: Somewhere deep inside of me, I think I've always known that I would like a man that takes charge. Not with everything, of course...but...it's hard to explain. I'm not like a submissive or anything...) He insisted that he hadn't done all the work...but eventually, he gave in. He also pointed out that all he did was get what he wanted really bad and he also gave me what I wanted badly. I still felt like I should thank him, and I did. He's been so great to me, and I've tried to return the favor. He also said that he considered me to be his first kiss...so we were both just as nervous... He just has more cajones then me. :) At least that's what I say... We also talked about practicing. When we have the time to be alone...I'm sure we'll be able to develop some techniques of our own... Ha, totally kidding!!! >.>

4) We talked briefly about me promising to go to the movies with Jeffery tomorrow. I want to see Madagascar 2...but I don't want to go with a bunch of people that I don't know, seeing as Jeffery's inviting all of his friends from his school... But...he's been begging me to go to a movie or something for months, now...and I feel like I have to keep him happy...even just a little bit...

5) Then Jay gave me a quote...that I would rather keep private. It's not like him and I are the only ones who've read it or heard it, but it's still something I'd like to keep between Jay and I. He said that it's his favorite quote of all time and that he wanted to share it with the person who meant something to him... Let's just say that it meant so much to me...that I told him I love him. That's the first time I've ever said it flat out... And I meant it. I made sure I meant it. Then he said, "I love you too, with all that I have." And I believe him entirely...

6) And then he asked me what my plans were for Thanksgiving break...and I told him that I'll only get to see my dad on Thursday and that my mom and I might do some Black Friday shopping. He said, "Well when you are free, hit me up for some quality time!" He better believe that I will... >.>

7) In talking about Black Friday, I mentioned that I wanted to get some new pants...and we got to talking about how Jay only wears shorts. I, being the worried girlfriend, told him that if he got sick during the winter, then I would hit him. He gave me full permission to do so, but then said he didn't think that I really would hit him. I insisted that I would, and he said that I would just love on him and comfort him to try and make it all better...which is true...but that doesn't mean I wouldn't hit him!!! When I suggested that he get some jogging sweats...but he told me that he can't have things around his calves...which is understandable, since I can't go very long without my ring on my finger...

8) Next, we talked about my singing. He said that he'd like to hear me sing more often, but I told him that I was really shy and that he would just have to catch me in the act... He asked if I had any concerts coming up, and I told him that I did. He said he'll try to go to one if not both of them.

Randomly... : Alex texted me and said:
*SUPER MOO-LICK!*
*Slap!!*

That was really funny to me because it was to freakin' random!!

Then Jay had to go to bed...

Today, we had first hour together. He sat one person away from me rather than in his usual spot, which is farther away. We were all working on our lab and I had wheeled behind him to see how he was writing his code because I couldn't figure it out, and he's usually the first one done with the labs. Mr. Brotherton walked by and told me to go back to my seat and to stop flirting, to which I said, "I'm not flirting! I don't have to..." and then after a couple seconds, I said, "We're already past that stage..." and everyone thought that was hilarious. Whatever. I was just telling the truth...

During lunch, he came and sat on my lap...and then ate his lunch while I sat on the counter...and Steph humped me...and then he went to play on the keyboard. I followed soon after and we messed around a little bit. When I was getting ready to go to class, Gloria had some frosting on the side of her mouth or something and Jay goes, "You have some white stuff on the side of your mouth." Then Gloria went, "You wanna lick it off?" I wasn't even paying attention, but somehow I heard what was happening. Jay said, "I don't think I can..." and he gestured to me. Then Gloria looked at me and said, "Do YOU wanna lick it off?" And that's when I officially zoned back in on he room and I said, "...No...?...I don't think I can..." and then I gestured back at Jay. I don't think Gloria got it, but whatever.

So, Jay and I were supposed to hang out after school. I was supposed to go to West to sing and he would pick me up there after school...but my trip to West was canceled due to a pep rally. So I had to go to math, (bleh!!), and after school, I was able to catch Jay before he left. As it turned out, he had to go to work in less than an hour, so we couldn't really hang out. Instead, we drove around a bit and when he was taking me back to my mom's, he held my hand and was able to drive his stick-shift with one hand. He's quite the manly man, my boyfriend. :P So when we got to my mom's, we hugged and he rubbed my back a bit. He knows how much I hate being away from him for long-ish periods of time. I stole a piece of his gum and then kissed him...on the cheek...again...>.> He went, "Awwwwww" and hugged me again. When I tried to slide out of his truck, he held on to my hand....but I finally got out and closed the door...and he drove to work...

He's still working but I'm sure I'll hear from him later tonight... Sooo I'm done blogging for now...

Oh yes, and...well...nevermind. I'm not going to talk about that... Not now, anyway...

Butterfly kisses...

Alrighty then. I have wireless internet again, so everything's good. Of course, I have a few things to talk about....

So yesterday, (Sunday), I blogged, but I didn't get to talk about how the rest of the day went.

Jay texted me in the afternoon and since he wasn't doing anything and I wasn't doing anything...I invited him to come over to my mom's for a bit. He agreed....but he had to brush his teeth and such because he'd accidentally swallowed chew spit....yuck...

So when he showed up, I was watching The Golden Compass in my room and was pretending to do some homework. He sat on the couch in the living room for a bit before we went into my room. We watched a little bit of the movie I had on until I changed it to Just Friends. My mom had sent my brother into the bedroom to keep an eye on us. *rolls eyes* How retarded. She acts like we we're gonna have sex or something every time we're alone.

So I was like, totally freezing the entire time, and I have no idea why; it wasn't even that cold!! Jay sat on my bed and eventually layed back. I cuddled up to him a little bit and at one point, we held hands under the blanket. I love it when he holds my hand/s...

The whole time, I was thinking about kissing him, but my brother was there and my mom or Ashley or Luke could've walked in at any moment. When he had to leave, I walked him outside to his truck and we messed around a little before I let him go.

When I got back inside, Ashley goes, "Are you tryin' to give your mother a heart attack?"

I never figured out what she meant by that or what had happened while I was outside... But I went into the kitchen and made a sandwich. My mom sat down at the dinner table...and about two seconds later, she let out this incredible war cry and fell flat on her ass. The chair had broken and she was left on the floor, laughing right along with the rest of us. It was sooo amazing!!

My dad called me shortly after that and gave me crap about not calling him or texting him at all. He said that he was gonna be pissed if Jay started to take up all of my time. I decided not to tell him that Jay had just been over at my mom's...

Then, my mom talked to me and I told her about how stupid Dad was acting. She started getting all sappy on me. I understand that my parents don't want me to grow up. I know that they don't want to be replaced...but they need to understand that I could never replace them. Just because Jay and I are together doesn't mean that I have to take love away from my parents and give it to him; I've simply made Jay his own love and created a new spot in my heart for him to have. I explained that to my mom and she seemed to get it...

So later that night, Jay texted me and we talked about the whole kissing thing again. I told him that I was thinking about it earlier that night, and I found out that he'd planned to do it too. My stupid brother screwed it all up!! But we decided that our first kiss had to be in private. In talking about all this, we actually made plans for our first kiss. Today, I didn't go to my seventh hour and instead, Jay and I went to my dad's. At first, we were gonna go to my mom's but my brother was home sick and Ashley was on her way home. Then, we went to his house to see if anyone was home, and we weren't able to go there either. Finally, I suggested my dad's house. He was working in Denver all day, so I knew we would be alone.

When we got there, I realized that I didn't have my key and the spare wasn't in the garage like it should've been. So we ended up sitting in the garage. We messed around and he held me and I played with his hair and he tickled me with his facial hair. AND he stole my virginity...not literally. He stole my Purity ring and was wearing it on his pinky. Ha, it was fun.

Oh oh oh!! So, I told him that I knew how I could get him to kiss me, and today, I didn't do it so much as tell him what my secret weapon was. I'd been complaining all day and little bit last night about how my whole body was sore. In truth, it wasn't. I was just setting it up for today.

I had planned to be like, "Jay, my lips hurt really bad. Do you think you could kiss them better for me?" I told him about this and he admitted that it was a clever one...

When it was time to go, I had stolen his hat and was leaning against the front of his truck. He kept calling me to him, but he ended up coming to me instead. He'd pretended to threaten me and said that he wouldn't give me a kiss. At first, I thought he said that he wouldn't give me any kids... Which is bullshit because I know he wants them someday... Anyway, I pouted at him because he said he wouldn't kiss me... but when he came over to me, he held his arms out and I mimicked him... When I finally stepped into his embrace, he kissed me...

Now, it was a little awkward, but only because I didn't know what to do. It was my first kiss!! I was so nervous, but I wouldn't trade it for anything... It was like a peck, but it was a little longer than your normal peck... After that, I hid my face in his chest a little bit. He admitted that he's not very good at kissing, but I told him that I didn't care. He's better than me anyway...

So we left and made it back to school. I loved spending that time with him so much...

When he pulled into the senior parking lot, we saw Marie and Erin sitting outside on the grass. Jay acted like he was gonna run them over, but he just drove up on the curb a little before going to park. He still had my ring and when we went inside, and Cassie beat him up until he gave it back to me. It was kinda funny... >.>

He ended up keeping my ring until after school. Before I had to rehearse for Chamber choir, I took his keys and we walked to his car. While we were outside, I kissed him on the cheek. I also made him fight a little bit to get his keys back.... That was fun as well. :)

He told me to call him anytime that I wanted to hang out over Thanksgiving break. I told him that he shouldn't tell me that because then I'll be calling him ALL the time...but he said he wouldn't mind. :)))))) That boy is too perfect. No, not TOO perfect, but perfect for me, nontheless...

Anyway, I haven't heard from him tonight yet, but I have heard from Cassie. She and Kansas are still dancing around the thought of breaking up. Cassie will do almost anything to keep him, but I know for a fact that he wouldn't return the favor. I think he's just waiting for her to break up with him so he doesn't seem like the bad guy. Either way, things are NOT going to end well for either of them...

So anyway, I get to miss my fourth block tomorrow so I can go over to West to sing with their Pegasus (sp?) choir. I'll have to remember to tell Jay...

Ttyl!!

I wouldn't call this a fairytale, really, because Jay is definitely not a fairy...

Okay so I haven't had any access to the internet for a while, so that's why I haven't been updating. Now, part of me wants to start from where I left off and update everything exactly....but the other part of me is just a lazy bastard who doesn't have the time or drive to do that for ya'll. So here's the deal: I will tell the short story today and if anyone wants to know more, then he or she can message me and ask. It's not a problem, though I doubt that'll happen, so everyone wins!!! Yaay....

So Jay and I are officially dating. Yep, we went to the movies on Friday night. He wanted to make it up to me about canceling our plans for the previous Friday. We went to the theater in Loveland to see Twilight at 8:20 pm. (My parents assumed we would be at the theater in town...but I didn't tell them because then they wouldn't let me go. I only told Alex because I trust him.) Jay showed up at 7 and met my dad. That part was really boring. My dad has always had these crazy ideas about what he would do when I finally brought a boy home for him to meet. He didn't do any of them. (And Ashley just cleaned the computer screen while I was typing...) They just shook hands and my dad told Jay to call him "Sir". *Sigh* I was expecting something more interesting...

Side note: I talked to my dad about Jay yesterday and he said he was expecting some nerdy guy instead of...well...I don't know...Jay, I guess. That surprised me. I haven't said anything that would make my dad think that... I guess he just didn't expect me to do better than a nerd or something like that. As if it matters. Jay is a nerd in his own way and he knows it. And I love it. So there!!

So we left and headed to the theater. We didn't talk a whole lot but we weren't completely silent either. It was nice. Cassie called me and told me that Twilight sucked, but I kinda already knew that it would. She also gave me full permission to make out with Jay (because the movie wouldn't be worth watching anyway...). I laughed but didn't say much of anything else. I had no intention of making out with anyone. Not yet, anyway. I'd rather let things settle first...

Then Cassie wanted to talk to Jay, so I gave him the phone while he was driving...and I have no idea what she told him. I'll have to remember to ask... Anyway, we reached our destination soon enough and walked into the theater to get the tickets he'd pre-ordered. As we stood in the long line to get into the actual room itself, Jay and I messed around a little. He had his lovely bright orange hunting hat on. I don't remember what I said, but he didn't hear me and I just shook my head and smirked. He put his face real close to mine...or would've if he didn't have his hat on. The bill of it touched my forehead and we just kind of looked at each other for a second until I laughed.

When we got our seats, (in the third row back), Jay decided to go get some popcorn for himself and a drink that we ended up sharing, though he drank most of it, which is fine. While he was gone, I was entertained by all the girls talking their big heads off. They're all in love with Edward, naturally, (even though the guy that plays him is fugly...to me, anyway...) so they were all standing in groups and chatting away about everything that's Twilight-related. I love Twilight, but not quite that much. The Twilight story is the fairytale that all girls secretly want. That's the only reason that so many adore the series, but I don't want it because I have my own fairytale.

Anyway, by the time Jay got back, nearly all the seats were filled. It's a good thing we got there early. While we were waiting for the movie to start, Cassie texted me and said, "Don't be a fool, wrap your tool..." I started laughing and showed Jay the text. He called Cassie (without knowing that the number he has is for Cassie's house phone because she doesn't have a cell phone...) and as soon as someone picked up, he goes, "Are you a poet?" and he refers to the text that Cassie sent me. Apparently, it was Cassie's mom who'd answered the phone and Jay thought it was Cassie...

>.>

<.<

I thought that was hilarious.... He did talk to Cassie, but not about anything important...I think... The movie started and all the girls giggle because they know all the dirty little secrets about Bella and Edward and the Cullens and about what REALLY happened with them. I kept getting annoyed at all these people. Jay didn't get it, but that's okay. That movie really was horrible. In the beginning of the movie, I was fingering the hole in my pants. It was right on my thigh and I had to so something to keep my hands busy...

Jay fixed that problem and held his hand out to me. We held hands and I put my head on his shoulder. It was nice. We stayed like that until my phone vibrated in my purse. (By the way, I hate having to use a purse.) Wouldn't ya know it? It was my dad. He sent me a text that said, "Behavin?" And I replied with an, "Of course!!".... Even though I know he wouldn't approve of the hand holding...

We didn't hold hands again during the movie, but I did lay my head on his shoulder at times. By the time the movie was over, I had a little bit of a headache from my glasses and it was time to go home. I was hoping to have a little time left over to spend with Jay, but my curfew was 11:00 and it was 10:30.

As we walked out of the theater, we had our arms around each other and I was clearly bummed about going home already. As we walked to his truck, he asked if I'd told my parents about what happened with the Navy. I think he meant the night that he had to cancel our date. I told him I didn't think I did, but that was a stupid answer. Of course I told them. I didn't think about it until later when he was driving. They know what really happened and that Twilight was Jay's apology, in a way. It's all good.

While we were waiting at a red light, he held his hand out to me again. I gave him my right hand because my left hand was holding my head up. I was just a little tired and cuddled against the seat. He ran his fingers over my skin and I did it back. It was an unconscious action for me and it felt right. He took his hand back in order to shift, but once we were on the highway, he took my hand right hand again. Eventually, I switched hands and we linked fingers. We stayed like that until we got back into Greeley and he had to shift again.

I ended up texting my mom and asking her for another 30 minutes with Jay. She allowed it and said that I had to be in the apartment by 11:30. Jay drove to Glenmere and we sat in his truck. His music was turned down low and everything was dark, which is great since I prefer the dark anyway.

In those 30 minutes, we held hands and kinda sorta cuddled... and he asked me out, just like I knew he would. He kept asking me what I was thinking and when I asked him the same question, he goes, "So...what about being my girlfriend?" I knew he was a tiny bit nervous, but he knew what my answer would be...

I laughed and told him he was a dork...and then I teased him and said, "Oh, I don't knooow....." and finally said, "I accept." Yes, I had to follow the dork theme we had going on. :P

He was happy with that and we sat in silence, me with my head on his shoulder and him playing with my hands. After a bit of silence, he said, "Forever...or just until I leave...?" He was referring to the Navy. I told him forever...

I don't remember the sequence that all this happened in, but the best part was when he smoothed his thumb over my lips. I know he wanted a kiss. He hinted at it enough, but I couldn't bring myself to just say it...or do it. I haven't had my first kiss yet and he knows that, but I also told him that I'm ready whenever he is. I just didn't know what to do. I was really hoping that he would just do it, but I later found out that he wasn't sure if I even wanted a kiss. I did, I assure you... When I asked what Monday would be like, he said that it would be like school, which is sucky. He knew that's not what I meant, but he didn't know exactly what I did mean either. When he asked, I pointed out that we're different with each other when other people aren't around. He agreed to that and then asked what I wanted Monday to be like. I said, "Like this..." and he said, "We can do that. We can be like this." That's not exactly word for word, but that's the gist of it. I don't know if we really will be like a couple, but I hope so. If not, then I'm not even going to put up with it. I won't be part of a so-so relationship. I won't do it ever again.

I ended up walking into the apartment at about 11:35. I got a little crap for that, but I didn't care. I'd had a wonderful night, personally.

Jay texted me when he got home and we talked a bit about the night. He brought up the whole kissing thing and I told him why I didn't do anything. We both know it'll happen, but we don't know when. I don't want it to happen at school or anywhere public because my first kiss is not something I want to share with anyone but Jay. In order for this to happen, we'll have to spend more time together alone, which I don't mind one little bit. I'm just impatient, of course. Jay knows that as well as Cassie does, so he'll understand when he reads this.

We stopped texting at about 1:00 am and I fell asleep fast.

On Saturday, (yesterday), my mom, my dad, my brother, and myself went to Loveland to look at cars. I kid you not, we were there aaaaaall day. It was horrible. My mom ended up getting a 2-year-old black Honda Civic. She traded in the white Honda that was supposed to be my car once I got my license.... But I don't really care. While we were there, I made quite the impression on our salesman. His name is Dave and he's a grandpa. He hugged me a couple times and told my dad that he really liked my personality. It sounds bad, I know, but I swear it wasn't. It was just that he looked at me in a daughterly type of way. My dad was cool with it. Dave got to see the side of me that isn't 15 at all. I think that's what impressed him: how observant I am...

There was another salesman that kind of pushed Dave out of the way and made the sale with my mom. I called the other salesman a dick...and I got Dave to admit it. :) I'm so persuasive when I want to be.

Jay didn't text me until about 5 pm. As it turned out, all I had to do was call him and he would've come to pick me up so I wouldn't have to spend all day in that damn dealership. I thought, "Oh great. So I didn't have to be here all day...well it's too late now..."

Jay ended up getting kicked out of his house because his sister was having a birthday party. I wanted to invite him over to my mom's, but I know my dad would've had a fit, seeing as he would be there too. I love my dad immensely, but I hate how ridiculous he can be sometimes.

Jay spent the night at Marie's.... And I was fine with that.... Because I know he's completely faithful to me.... But I know for a fact that Marie doesn't like the idea of Jay having another girl in his life.... I never want to take Marie's place and I never want her to take mine, but I do wish I could just forget about her. I don't want to talk to her or think about her or hear about her. It's not that I hate her, I just don't trust her, but I know she's important to Jay. The less I have to do with her, the better eveything will be...for all three of us...

I haven't heard from Jay today yet, but I'm wondering if he would like to come over. My dad's gone and we're just hanging out at my mom's. I think we're going to watch a scary movie or something....but I bet he's busy....

This morning, my mom was on crack. Not really, but she was acting like it.

Cracky thing #1: She was watching "Redneck Weddings".....

She made me go into her room and watch the end of the episode. It was a little funny... The best part was the wedding vows. The bride's went something like this: "You are the water added to the dirt that makes the mud of my life...." Which is another way to say, "You complete me," but seriously? Mud? >.> Oh yeah, and then she got her new hubby a toolbox for a wedding gift... *Sigh* Woooow....plus her dress didn't fit her, so they had to use ductape and wire to make it fit.....

Cracky thing #2: My mother was laughing like a retard....

Cracky thing #3: She called me a hooker....because the computer wasn't hooked up to the power cord...and she thought that was hilarious.....

Cracky thing #4: She turned on the water to fill the sink and then went into the bathroom....and when she finally came out....Kahlua was just sitting in front of the sink.....and staring at all the bubbles that were flowing out of it... -.- I have this on video, folks.

Cracky thing #5: She was trying to sing...which she has absolutely no talent for.... Come to think of it, neither does my dad. So where do I get my vocal abilities from? I have no fucking clue.

Cracky thing #6: I don't really know what the hell she was doing, but she was walking around really weirdly and laughing....as my brother and I pretended to shoot ourselves when she wasn't looking...

Yeah.....I can't wait to see what else she's gonna do today...

My brother is sick, but I think he just has a cold. I don't get sick easily, so I'm not worried. Plus, I have like three concerts coming up that I need to be able to sing for...

I also think I have a skin desease -.- But it's not contagious...

And Jeff wants to go see Madagascar 2 over Thanksgiving break, which is great because that's another movie I want to see and I'm sure it'll be worth it. The only thing is, I don't know if I'll have any fun... He's inviting all of his friends....that I don't know....so I'll pretty much just be like a third wheel. I hate that. Cassie used to do that to me and I refuse to let it happen anymore. I don't need to put myself through all of that. Hence the big reason I don't go to dances anymore...

So to wrap things up, Jay and I plan on being together for....uh...ever. We've even talked a little bit about having kids.... I know you're probably thinking, "Stupid gullible teenagers. They're just gonna get themselves into trouble." And you know what? We probably will...but not the way you'd think. I love Jay (and you know how touchy I am about that kind of stuff) and I think he loves me too. We'll see how things go, but I can only hope for the best because that's what I want.

I'll blog when I can...

I hate that I have women's intuition...

Okay, so here it is, since I haven't been on for a few days...

Friday was supposed to be the big day, right? Wrong. All day at school, I tried not to be a brooding teenage girl, but it happened anyway. Before I go any further, I'll just come out with it. Jay and I did not go to the movies Friday night.

I was depressed in a sense that day because I knew this was going to happen. And it sucks because it's exactly how I felt when Jay "left" the first time. I changed my profile style and status and everything before anything even happened. After that Monday night, my profile looked very depressing. Jay couldn't decide between me or another girl, so naturally, I felt horrible. I already knew I wasn't going to win him over, and I didn't, but I'll explain that part later. Anyway, right before he tells me about this other girl, I changed my profile background to one that had a picture of a heart that appeared to be shattered, so I titled the layout Shattered. Then I think my status said something like this:

So what do you do when you want something that others want too? Do you fight? Share? Or do you become generous enough to give it all up...

When I wrote that, I was thinking about Marie and Jay and how I was pretty sure they would end up back together. Anyway, the point is that I knew something was going to happen to make Jay's feelings change completely. And it did.

Friday, I had that same feeling. I didn't really talk to anybody and all through lunch, I sat in the music library in the dark. When I finally got home from school, I was still out of sorts, but I tried to fix it. The only thing is that my mind wouldn't stop thinking...

Jay doesn't give me hugs. I have to do it. He hardly talks to me willingly, though that has improved a bit. On Friday, it occured to me that since we hadn't talked at school that day, that he would probably back out of our "date". When it got to be about the time that he was supposed to pick me up, I told my mom, "It's really gonna suck if he doesn't show up..." She looked at me funny and said, "Why wouldn't he?" I just shrugged and went into the bathroom to put my hair up.

I sat in my room and thought and thought and thought....and then my phone rang. It was Kansas. I didn't answer. I just closed my eyes and lay on my bed. Then Cassie called, and I still didn't answer... after maybe ten minutes of nothing, I listened to the message that Kansas left. If I'd saved it, I would write what he said on here, word for word, but I didn't think about it.

He said that Jay couldn't make it. That's the gist of it all. I almost cried...almost...and I don't know why... Okay, so maybe I do know why...but there's no way in hell that I'm about to admit it. I pulled myself together and faced the world, so to speak...

I texted Kansas after that and told him that I got his message. He told me he was sorry like four times. While I was texting Kansas, my mom and Ashley got nice and pissed off because I got stood up (at least that's what it seemed like...). Ashley decided that we would go to the movie anyway with my brother, Luke and Alex. I debated between staying home and going out....and decided, "To hell with it. I'm still going to see that damn movie."

As we all got into the car, I texted Kansas and said, "No worries. I'm still going to the movies. I'm not gonna let his lies pull me down. Not tonight." Kansas said he was sorry again and I left it at that.

Alex was late to the movie, so Luke, my brother and myself went into the theater while Ashley waited for Alex. We sat close to the top of the theater, and when Ashley and Alex finally found us, we sat like this: Alex, me, my brother, Luke, Ashley

Alex is 21 and I consider him to be one of my best guy friends. He made everything better that night, and I am eternally grateful to him for that. He messed around with me and teased me and called me Fatty (which is something he's always done...) and we laughed hysterically at all the blood that flashed across the screen. After the movie, we went to Pitcher's and ate and laughed and I got to watch Alex get drunk.

Side note: I love Alex. He's 21, but he's so immature. I'm so happy he's moving back here in January!!! He makes me laugh constantly and I know he would defend me in anything if I ever needed it. He would come to the rescue at anytime for me. He bought me a book today. It's one of my vampire books. Man, I love those things...

Anyway, the night wasn't all that bad, even though Saw II is still the best out of all of them.

All this weekend, my internet wasn't working, so I couldn't talk to Jay and figure out what the hell happened. On Saturday, I was supposed to have a voice lesson, but I had my mom cancel it because I was feeling too out of sorts. Then, I had a sudden urge to spend the day with my grandmother on my mom's side. I've never wanted to do that before... So I called her and she said she would love to spend time together, just the two of us. THEN something outrageous happened.... I wanted to wear makeup. I know I know...freaky, right? But I did it. I wore makeup all day, and I looked hott, if I do say so myself. My hair was working with me too. I should've taken pictures, but I didn't feel up to it.

When I got to my grandma's, we went shopping for like two and a half hours. I got some new casual clothes and a new outfit to wear to my choir concerts, including shoes. Now THAT made me look smokin'. No joke. Black is definitely my color.

Then we went to my aunt's house to babysit my baby cousin. He's so cute and incredibly smart! That kid is in love with me. ;) And my aunt has this little puppy that's a mix between a Golden Retriever and a Poodle. I'm stealing that dog. I'm serious. He's mine... >.>

I finally got back to my dad's and was left alone at the house. I pretty much just sang to myself, like I always do when I'm alone, until my dad and brother got home. They were supposed to get grocerys but they didn't do a very good job. *Sigh* I should've given them a list...

The rest of the night consisted of me doing dishes and watching AVP:R downstairs. When I finally went to bed, I listened to my Zune for two hours before I could fall asleep...

Today, I stayed home again. In the morning, the three of us went outside and played some catch. Colton's getting better. I'll have to step it up a bit if I plan on always being better than him... Well actually, he can throw faster than me, but I'm the better catcher by far. And I'm a faster runner. I always have been, especially in school. I got my daddy's wheels...

My mom picked Colton and I up around four today.... Then I checked my email....

Jay sent me a message and a comment. He apologized and told me what happened with the Navy and whatnot. I replied to both and I'm waiting to hear from him as I type. Now, let's backtrack through the weekend and add in a few things:

Friday: I was convinced that Jay just didn't want to go out with me anymore. My dad called him a fag. Ashley said he's not good enough for me anymore. My mom says I should give him a second chance...

Saturday: My mom has a big mouth. My grandma says I should just tell Jay, "Look, if you didn't want to go out with me, then you should've just told me...." That's tempting, but I don't know if I could talk to him about it in person even though I'm getting pretty sick of this whole internet thing... When I saw my dad, I held on to him for a long time. He stroked my hair and said, "Look, honey. Don't worry about this guy. I know how you feel. It's like when I played baseball. I would be up to bat and concentrating so hard on getting the next hit...but when the ball passed by, I thought, 'What the hell??' but then the next time, I concentrated even harder and got the hit I was looking for... There will be other guys, baby. You're a beautiful young woman who knows what she wants, and you'll get it one way or another. If this guy is really what you want, then you'll have him eventually. If he decides he wants you just as much, then all I ask is that he knows he better really love you; it's hard to chew without any teeth in your mouth..."

I love my dad. He's so funny but he makes a lot of sense when he needs to.

Today: I was dying to get to a computer. I had to know what Jay was thinking. I had to know how hard he was trying to apologize, if at all. I was able to determine a lot from that, but I still need more clarification. If he apologizes in person, then he gets a second chance. If his remorse only exists online....well I'll forgive him, but as far as second chances go, I'm not sure yet. I don't usually forgive so easily. Then again, what if he doesn't want a second chance? I'll have to know that before I know anything else for sure.

To change subjects, this fucking guy needs to leave me alone. He's from Denver and he is so insistent on me cybering with him. I can tell him to leave me be, but he doesn't get it. Sex is all he sees when he thinks of me. Bastard. He wants to try tonight. Pig. This is the eighth offer I've gotten this week. I'm really not that attractive. I don't get it, but whatever.

TWILIGHT COMES OUT IN THEATERS THIS WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh man I would preorder tickets if I had a credit card!!! That movie is gonna be the best selling one in history!!! Maybe.... I don't think I'll get to see it but I've read the books. I waited all night to get the last one as soon as it went on sale. I also want to see Madagascar 2....which I think I might do over Thanksgiving Break, since I'm not going to Illinois anymore. I would explain why, but I can't. :)

Anyway, I don't want to go to school tomorrow, but I kinda have to. Hopefully, I won't be too miserable. Wednesday will be here before I know it...and then the moment of truth will occur, and I'm not sure I care one way or another. I can't think of any good reason to be rooting for one result over the other.

When I rewind my life a couple months...

He can't be real. It couldn't have been real. He seemed far too perfect. I forgot until a few minutes ago just how incredible he made me feel. I wish.... I wish for things I can't have. I wish that it was real; that it did happen. But no, I know it didn't. There's no way I could be that lucky so soon in life... I think... Mmm...but still...

The night of September 19th to the morning of September 20th consisted of the happiest moments of my life, (so far...), and every single bit of it was genuine...at least on my end. When I look back, I can't believe it! But the proof is right there for me to see...

I can't say anything else except that I wish I could go back and harness the...I don't know...emotion, I suppose, of those few moments. I would give almost anything...

Well....we'll see.

Elle had me read my horoscope today (Aries) and it talked about a bunch of crap I don't remember...except for the Monthly forcast...it said that on the 21st of this month....well it made me slightly curious, even though I don't believe in those things. However, they have been strangely right more than once, so it makes me wonder....hmm...

Things will be overtly interesting from now on...

It's that time of the month for booding...

Before I get to the "good" stuff, I'll go ahead and update my situation with the guys:

Jason: He didn't do much today. He looked me up and down once, but nothing major.

Casey: He hugged me and tried to tickle me and asked if I wanted to make out and blah blah blah. Everytime he asks if I want to make out, I say yes like it's no big deal. Then, he says, "Okay..." and moves in like he's going to. I don't move a muscle as he gets closer....and brings his hand up to the side of my face....and places his thumb over my lips....and then kisses his thumb. I think it's hilarious! I think that's why I even like Casey at all. He reminds me of David, but David and I have never been and never will be romantic. Casey just has that personality where he's fun yet still respectful. He never actually kisses me and has never touched my ass or boobs or anything like that. Today during lunch, I was sitting in the band room and Casey came and sat by me. He did the whole "making out" spiel and then randomly interlaced his fingers with mine. I instinctively did it back, but then I remembered how much more complicated things have gotten lately. So instead, I just kind of stared off into space for a few heartbeats and let my hand lay limp in his. Half of him did it just to mess around, and the other half did it because that's the part that still likes me... How do I feel? I love his personality for the most part, but I don't think I would date him anymore, and I'm not sure why...

Jay: Wow....today was a lot different than yesterday. We hugged once and said maybe 50 words to each other, which really isn't a lot. In Computer Programming, we didn't talk until the end of class, and even then, we just kind of stood there, him staring off into space, and me staring at him, trying to figure him out. I didn't get very far. At lunch, Jay was there when Casey held my hand. That's part of the reason why I ignored Casey more than I usually would. I don't know if Jay saw and I don't know if he would care, but I still thought I'd be a little curtious towards him and try not to stir up any more confusion. Later on during lunch, Zac was giving me a little bit of a back massage and I had my eyes closed. Jay had Zac's crutches and was beind me...ish... He tried to tickle me a couple of times, but I wasn't really up to it. Don't get me wrong, anytime Jay pays attention to me, I'm all for it, but tickling just wasn't something I wanted today. Besides, if I'd stood up to tickle him back, he would just say, "No! Get away from me!" And so I would.I always do. What else am I supposed to do? It doesn't feel all that great to be told to get away from the person you like...but it's even worse when he's the one telling you. Usually, I just blow it off, but today, it only made my mood worse....

Last night, Jay asked if I wanted to go see Saw 5 with him this weekend. Of course, I said yes...after a little bit of German and Spanish...and then he goes, "Sweet, then it's a date."

That made me raise an eyebrow, but it's nothing compared to what my mom did. I was just going to lie and tell her and my dad that I was going to a movie with Cassie, but she snuck up behind me and read the message I was currently replying to. Ooops... so then she says a whole bunch of stuff in a matter of, like...two minutes....

"You can't lie to your dad..."
"We haven't even met this boy....We'll have to meet him first..."
"Does he drive? How long has he been driving? I can't know if he's a good driver...."
"He's too old for you..."
"How did he ask you?..." To this one, I gave my mother a demeaning look and said, "Oh, he just dropped by the apartment to ask me to go see a movie this weekend." I was totally being sarcastic, but my mom thought I was serious for a second...
"What day?..."
"What time?..."
"What movie?..."
"How do we know if we can trust him?"
"I'm going to ask Dr. Phil about a 15-year-old dating an 18-year-old..."
"It's going to be so a hard to let go..."


And they only got more ridiculous from there. The woman asks like Jay asked me to marry him! For fuck sake!! It's a movie! I'll only be gone for a couple of hours!!! I've gone to movies with boys before. I don't understand why my mom would act so incredibly retarded over this! I even went to--nevermind. I don't want to relive that.

She also acts like Jay and I are dating.... Dr. Phil?? Is she fucking kidding me? My mom and dad are three years apart. My grandparents are five years apart. What would it really even matter? I could care less because I'm way too mature for my own age; I just hide it constantly because it's not natural. Jay isn't some totally mature adult or anything. He can be just as immature as I pretend to be.

It's just a movie. I'm not passing this up for anything. I don't care if my dad will be pissed and want to tear Jay apart. I won't let him. I don't care that my grandpa will be skeptical. It's not going to change anything on my end. I'm a 15-year-old girl who's seen a lot more than I ever should've. I've been through hell and back, but nobody knows it. Jay's been through some shit too. Maybe that's another reason why I like him; the more we have in common, the more kudos he gets, and the more I like him. He could kill somebody right now, and I would still like him.

Anyway, I plan on going to this movie as long as Jay's able to go. If something happens, fine. My parents will never know about it anyway. If nothing happens, fine. I don't expect anything to, but I'm prepared for whatever. Literally....

Moving on...

I became suddenly depressed today. You know why? I'll tell you. I seem to be getting worse and worse everyday, and only one person will know what I mean by that. Today, Cassie had to reset my sternum twice, and then I had to have another friend of mine do it in third block. I can't sleep and I almost passed out last night. And the dream I had when I finally got to sleep... I haven't had that one for two and a half years. I woke up at 4:17 am, crying silently with my pillows and blankets tossed on the floor. Today, I was just flat out drained. I wanted to crawl under the table in the band room and never come out. It's a good thing David was there so I could hug him whenever I wanted. I know he'll always hold me whenever I need it, and whenever I don't. I love that boy to death because of that.

I'm not ready to go. Whenever I used to think about death, I never cared. But now, I seem to be desperate to survive. I mean...there are still a lot of things I want to do. And if I have to leave without ever knowing what it feels like to be kissed, I think I'll come back and haunt the shit out of everyone and everything on this Godforsaken Earth. I'm a girl; we all want to know what it's like; the only thing is that I'm a little behind everyone else. Oh well. I'm still here for the time being, so I'll just try to enjoy what I can, even if I feel helpless and alone...

I learn more and more about myself everyday...

This is a bulletin I received earlier this week:

I'm the girl who will put my head on your shoulder, not because I'm sleepy, but because I want to be closer to you.
I'm the girl who likes to be kissed in the rain more than inside your bedroom or in an a restaurant.
I'm the girl who says,"Okay, but you owe me...", not because I actually want something, but because it means I get to spend more time with you.
I'm the girl you can take absolutely anywhere and I will have fun because it means I am spending time with you.
I'm the girl who is incredibly picky, but when I find someone I like, I want to spend the whole night curled up in his arms.
I'm the girl who never forgets all the sweet little things you do for me.
I'm the girl who never gives up hope even when I tell others I have.
I'm the girl who once I let you into my heart, there's always a place there with your name on it.
And even if we spend time apart, I'm the girl who never forgets you.
I'm the girl who loves to end a hug with a kiss.
I'm the girl who you can talk to about anything.
I'm the girl who will brag about you to all of my friends.
I'm the girl who will listen to you talk.
I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me for no apparent reason.
I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me from behind.
I'm the girl who loves it when you introduce me to your friends as your girlfriend.
I'm the girl who loves the feeling when you take me by the hand without saying a word.
I'm the girl who loves it when you give me flowers for no apparent reason.


Okay. Let's break this down line by line.


1) I'm the girl who will put my head on your shoulder, not because I'm sleepy, but because I want to be closer to you.

This is so true. I think I've only done this once to Jay, and I didn't even mean to. I wasn't thinking and it just kinda happened... I guess that's why Joe did it to me when we were taking him home after the Corn Maze...



2) I'm the girl who likes to be kissed in the rain more than inside your bedroom or in a restaurant.

Though I've never been kissed on the lips before, I know that this would be true for me. Especially because I don't like restaurants, and I love being in the rain whenever I can.



3) I'm the girl who says,"Okay, but you owe me...", not because I actually want something, but because it means I get to spend more time with you.

I know I've done this more than once, but not for a while.... It's still 100% true.



4) I'm the girl you can take absolutely anywhere and I will have fun because it means I am spending time with you.

If I like someone enough, then this will always apply.



5) I'm the girl who is incredibly picky, but when I find someone I like, I want to spend the whole night curled up in their arms.

Again, this has never completely happened before, but yeah. Hello! I'm touchy-feely, remember?



6) I'm the girl who never forgets all the sweet little things you do for me.

Ha...you wanna see the IMs I saved between Jay and myself? ;P



7) I'm the girl who never gives up hope even when I tell others I have.

Yeah...I blogged a lot about how I was just going to give up on Jay...but really, I never did, and I'm glad.



8) I'm the girl who once I let you into my heart, there's always a place there with your name on it.

Yep. That even includes Jake, but that's sooo not gonna happen again. I try to stay away from him as much as possible.



9) And even if we spend time apart, I'm the girl who never forgets you.

My mind is always filled with the same things...



10) I'm the girl who loves to end a hug with a kiss.

You all know how much I love hugs, so I'm pretty sure kisses would be twice as good...depending on who they come from, of course. ;)



11) I'm the girl who you can talk to about anything.

I would hope that people feel like they can talk to me about anything...



12) I'm the girl who will brag about you to all of my friends.

I probably would.



13) I'm the girl who will listen to you talk.

I'm always listening to people talk because I understand it when they just want someone else to hear about everything that's going on with them. I have those needs too. 'Tis the Golden Rule, my friends.



14) I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me for no apparent reason.

I love it!!!!



15) I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me from behind.

I LOVE IT EVEN MORE THAN #14!!! >.>



16) I'm the girl who loves it when you introduce me to your friends as your girlfriend.

I don't really know if it would be that big of a deal, but I wouldn't mind if he did it anyway...whoever "he" ends up being...



17) I'm the girl who loves the feeling when you take me by the hand without saying a word.

Correct, yet again!!



18) I'm the girl who loves it when you give me flowers for no apparent reason.

Flowers are nothing special to me, except for white roses, but I don't necessarily want to receive any. They just die the next day anyway...



19) I'm the girl who thinks the world of you.

From this point on, (so disregarding my past), I would definitely think the world of anyone I date.


So this is pretty much my romantic side. Creepy, huh? Yeah, I thought so too....

What to do...what to think...hm...

Okay...um...things are different now, though not drastically. Not yet. There's still more drama to come, but I'll deal with that when I have to.

First things first:

Joe: I'm taking him off of this little daily update thing I have going on. He hasn't done anything obsessive at all, so I'm pretty sure he's not as crazy about me as he thought he was. Actually...he did do something to piss me off pretty good. Zac picked me up last week and threw me over his shoulder, and Joe thought it was okay to slap my ass. It hurt. I screamed. I wanted to beat the hell out of him. That is not the way to a girl's heart. Not mine, anyway. That little shit...I'm over it for the most part because I made him feel really bad, but if he ever tries it again or so much as hugs me for longer than I like, I think I might rip his head off. I have to protect myself because no one else will. I can be a real bitch if you provoke me. I wouldn't advise it.

Jason: He did something stupid as I walked by him during lunch that made me laugh. I guess he took that as permission to acknowledge my presence again because he started poking me in an attempt to tickle me. Unfortunately for him, he forgot where my tickle spot was so it gave me a chance to try and tickle him back...but then I remembered that he's not ticklish whatsoever. Anyway, I have no interest in him anymore, so he'll probably come off the list soon too.

Casey: I don't like him as much as I did. I think it's because of the flirty thing. He still hugs me whenever he can and tries to tickle me and we use a bunch of innuendo, but... Yeah, I don't know if I would go out with him anymore. He's an amazing guy, but there's just a lack of...a connection, I suppose. We'll see how things go, but I'm positive nothing's happening there.

Jay:...When I look back at yesterday's blog, I almost wish I'd waited to write anything. Not too long after I posted it, I talked to Jay. I'm not specifying what I told him because I don't want anyone else to know. Why did I tell Jay? Because I trust him...a lot. I didn't tell Cassie because she would freak out and be all depressed and tell everyone else. She has enough drama to cope with already, thanks to her idiot boyfriend. (I was okay with Kansas up until recently...) I don't want anyone else to know because...well I just don't like bringing everyone down with me. I'm not trying to bring Jay down at all. Actually, he's the last person I wanted to tell because of a situation in his family. But...I had to tell someone...because I feel a little less alone that way. Is that selfish? Probably, but I wasn't really thinking about it at the time.

Anyway, he basically said that he still likes me and was hoping to...ask me out? I didn't get clarification on that part, but whatever. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't...well shit. That would suck on my end. Wow that sounded naughty...

*Cough*

Now here's the part where Jeffery goes, "I told you!!!!!!"

And then I go, "Shed up!!!"

But I'm gonna be nice. Jeffery, you can pick on me all you want about this because you were right and I was pathetic. I still am, come to think of it. Hmm...

So...Jay likes me. Yeah, that was a little bit of a surprise to me, but it made me very happy, and I wasn't expecting it to. You should've seen me! I didn't fall asleep until two hours after I officially went to bed. Jay would scoff at that because he likes to stay up late, but it sure took a toll on me. I was funny-ish today. I know I made lots of people laugh, but everything just seemed kind of lacking today. Even where Jay is concerned. If I really think about it, I guess you could say we were closer today. He still tells me to go away whenever I pick on him, (which I still don't quite get), but he only flinched once out of the several times I hugged him. As for the lacking part...I have no idea what I mean by that. That's just how it felt.

I wish I'd kept the note Cassie and I were passing in Music History because now I can't remember everything, and I'm a person who loves all the little details. That's probably because I'm an analyst. Anyway, I told her that Jay still liked me and that he said he's waiting to man-up because he's a little bit of a chicken, which I thought was cute. But as I thought about it today and talked with Cassie, I started to wonder...

Side note: Cassie said that it's obvious Jay likes me and that Marie can't stand it. Cassie thinks that Marie doesn't come to the band hall as much as she used to because she can't stand that Jay likes me and that she doesn't want to put up with Jay paying attention to me. I thought that was an interesting thing for Cass to say. I don't really think that's what's going on. Marie knows she could get Jay back if she really wanted to. It wouldn't be hard for her, so if she was really so jealous, I would already be out of the picture. At least, that's how I see it. Plus, Jay only really "pays attention" to me in Computer Programming. Lunch hasn't changed at all...

Anyway....Cassie says I should ask Jay out because I'm impatient even though I try really hard not to be. In her own words, she said something along the lines of, "Do something crazy. Wear a thong and ask him out!" Now, the thong part is a theoretical thing. It means that she thinks I should do something I've never done before and take the chance of asking out Jay. There are a few things wrong with that:

1) What if he doesn't want me to? He's officially read all of my blogs and I wonder if he thinks any different of me. I told Cassie that I don't think Jay knew just how much I like him until he read all of this. Now that he knows, I wonder if it makes him uncomfortable around me. I wouldn't blame him. I hate being so hung up on a guy I'm not even dating. That scares me, but I don't think it would if he felt the same way because then I'd have less to worry about. The thing is, I doubt he feels the same way, so here I am, shaking in my...uh...socks.... : /

2) I have very little experience with relationships. The only "official" one I had was a bunch of shit. He asked me out and I didn't even think. I've never asked a guy out before. I don't know how!! I think I would die if I tried. I'm just so scared of a lot of things these days. Like...I'm scared for my life. I never really cared about dying before, but for some reason, it matters to me all of a sudden. And I'm also scared for my cousin's life...he's in Emergency Care right now. The pussy-faced bastards finally got to him.... But that's another story for another time. Bottom line is: I would ask Jay out, but I'm too scared to even fathom it.

3) I...I don't know. I want Jay very badly, and I don't think he quite realizes that. But I also don't want a repeat of my situation with Jake where we only had a relationship at school. Jay and I have more of a relationship online then in school. If we went out, I couldn't do that. I'm too much of a touchy-feely/clingy person for that. I want a relationship where we go the movies and hang out at the park and go to lunch and spend time at each other's houses. Yeah, I know; I'm too old for my own good. At least, my personality is... The problem with all this is that I highly doubt Jay will want any of that. He once told me he "craves clingy", but he doesn't seem like it. I'm afraid that I would be too much for him to handle. Not that he's not man enough to do it, because he by far is man enough, but because he's a guy. Guys don't like commitment. Except for gays, complete nerds, and the occasional super perfect guy. Ha sorry but it's true. I have a feeling Jay would grow tired of me quickly, which I would hate.

I just don't know anything for sure unless someone tells me, but how do you ask a person about all this without them thinking you're some obsessed freak? Cassie would say I'm looking into this too much, and I would agree, but I can't help it! Wherever my mind wanders, I must follow, so I think I'm screwed.

Oh AND couples usually kiss, right? Yeah...I've never done that before. I sure wouldn't be the first one to try it even though I would want to really bad. I'm so messed up. I still can't believe Jay even likes me. He's too amazing, and I'm not. It seems like he should have better...but then again, he doesn't have me, does he? We're both still single and anything goes. There's another scary thought; it's also another reason for my impatience. : /

To end things on a humorous side note:

Today in access, Jay and I were in the choir room. I'd just gotten done singing an a capella trio with Alice and Patricia (heh...Patricia...) and I went to stand in front of Jay as he was sitting down in a chair. I kinda looked him up and down and randomly said, "You're really hairy." I don't think he liked that very much, but I thought it was funny. I don't care if he's hairy or not; I still have the hots for him. So right after I said it, I laughed and said, "But that's okay," and then I gave him a hug. Since he was sitting down with one leg "crossed" over the other, it was a little hard to hug him; his leg was in my way. I had to tell him three times before he finally understood what I was saying (he had his earphones in), but when he did, he "uncrossed" his legs and I moved a little closer. In the midst of this, he had turned his face towards mine and so our cheeks were kind of rubbing...which sounds weird but I think I blushed. I'm a loser, I know..... And then Fran walks in and starts giving us crap because he thinks Jay and I are making out. Now THAT made me blush like no other....

Anyway, there it is. I'll try to keep this as updated as possible and I--- OMG!! I still have to see Saw 5!!! Shit.... I'll see if my mom will drop me off at the theater this weekend. I have to see it!!! Anyhoo...bye!

Playing "catch up"

Okay so I haven't blogged since last week and I never posted a "Friday Fiction" piece. The one I'm working on is an old piece I wrote, but it's kind of long, which is why it's taking a while for me to re-type it on here.

So far at school, things haven't gotten much better.

Joe: He still asks for hugs now and then, but he doesn't act as obsessed as Cassie and I prodicted he would. I think it's because I've been ignoring him a little bit, but I make it seem like I just don't notice him...and not on purpose. That's seemed to make him back off quite a bit, which is fine with me. More than fine, really...

Jason: Since the Corn Maze, he's hugged me once, and I'm not sure it could even classify as a hug. I can't really describe it, but from the vibes I'm getting from him, he's hesitant about touching me becaue he wants to play it cool. Jason is one of those guys who comes off as a "playa", (as I've said before), so when he likes a girl, he ignores her. That's his tactic, and it's somewhat similar to mine. I'm never the first one to make a move. Anyway, I have no idea if he still likes me right now or not, and I don't plan on asking. I guess I still like him, but if I had to make a list, he would be my third preference out of the guys that like me.

Casey: He acts like he likes me...but he also acts like he has a crush on evey other girl he sees. I hate that. I know I do it to an extent, but people know my motives for acting the way I do, and if they don't, then perhaps they should look harder. Anyway, Casey is another mystery to me. I would date him, but I just have this feeling that it wouldn't last long. He's too much of a loose cannon, and I couldn't handle that. Jake was like that, and it made me nervous. That's one reason we only lasted three weeks... ANYway... I need to know what Casey's thinking before I can really determine anything for myself. Plus, he hasn't even asked me out, so I'm thinking nothing's even gonna happen where he's concerned.


Jay: Jay...Jay Jay Jay... I like saying his real name much more than I like saying his protective name that I've given him. He's been...different...still. I have no idea what he's thinking, and I hate that to no end...just like I hate that Casey's a huge flirt. That's one of the reasons I like Jay so much. If he likes a girl, he won't let on. When he liked me, it was different because he expressed it online. Then again, when he officially liked me, it was a Friday night and we weren't going to be able to see each other until Monday. But he ended up being sick on Monday, so he wasn't at school. When I talked to him that night, he said he'd been waiting for me to get home so we could IM. He said that he worked at home just so he could be there when I got back. I miss that side of him terribly, but I guess I screwed it up and now things are just plain sucky. But the point is, if that other girl wouldn't have shown up just then, he might've shown his affection towards me on Tuesday, but wouldn't ya know it? Monday night, she ruins everything at the exact moment that I start to be a little happy.

*Sigh*

You know, I have my choice of guys. I'm well aware of this, but still, Jay is the one I want the most. Even though I know Jason will actually hold me and be sweet to me, and Casey actually talks to me all the time and hugs me and tickles me, Jay is still my number one. No joke. If Casey asked me out, right now, I think I would say yes, but if by some wacko miracle Jay asked me out while I was with Casey, I would be very tempted to leave Casey for Jay. I feel horribly ashamed saying this, but I know it's the truth. The only reason I would be so quick to leave Casey is because I know how fast Jay can change his mind, and I'm always afraid of somehow missing out on a chance to be with him. I would take him in a second if he asked me to. It seems like even though I keep saying I've lost faith in the possibility of a relationship with Jay, I'm still hoping that he'll come back to me some how. What does this mean? I have no idea, and I'm a little hesitant to know....

Any ideas?

Same crap, different names :P

So as it turns out... yeah, I have no idea. I thought Jason was like, you know... over me... but maybe not.

Today during lunch, Alice and I had ran to my mom's house to get some cake...and hot pockets... When we got back, everyone was in the band hall, like usual. Kansas had asked Cassie to be in his senior pictures today, so she had brought a bunch of different clothes that she could wear to the photo shoot. While Cassie was showing me eveything she brought so that I could help her decide, I caught Jason's eye and the next thing I know, he comes and sits by me, but doesn't talk to me. Normally, he would just chill with the guys, so his actions give me slight reason to think that he really does like me. I don't know. I guess you would have to be there to really get it...

In my first hour class today, I planned on letting Jay do his own thing, but just like last time, he actually started talking to me of his own accord. He also wheeled his chair over to my area and sat behind me while Mr. Brotherton was passing out programming books. And then when I was done with the lab, I went over to my own little table to try and finish some math homework. Soon enough, here comes Jay, wheeling across the classroom to come and sit by me. This is strange for him. I can't tell if he's flirting with his little jokes and the way he picks on me without me provoking him, or if he all of a sudden wants to be close to me. I have nooo clue. If he starts asking me for hugs or just randomly hugging me when I least expect it, then I have reason to worry...or rejoice... I don't know yet. I'll message Cassie about it tonight. Oh oh oh!! And yesterday during Music History, my group and Jay and this guy Devon were all in the auditorium to work on our project (cited in my previous two blog entries). I wasn't really paying attention to anyone but Cassie (she was reading me the quotes as I was writing them down) but a few times, I got distracted. More than once, Jay took my water bottle and drank all the water in it. I definitely never expected him to do THAT. He also chucked the bottle into the seats... And you know how it seemed like he never wanted to touch me? Well, I threatened him for some reason I can't remember, and then he walked up to me and got real close, trying to be intimidating. When I didn't do anything but look up at him, he like...gently bodyslammed me. Ha!! I can't think of any other way to put it. But...the whole front of his body was in contact with mine...talk about shocking!!!

Casey... Well...he still hasn't made any definite moves forward. Sure, we hug and mess around daily, but nothing more than that. I'm afraid that I'm somehow going to drive him away just like I did to Jay. If that happens, Imma be pissed!!! I mean, it's bad enough that I had to lose out on Jay, but Casey too? Hell no!!! I couldn't stand that. Jeez, I'm a loser!! It seems like fate just keeps screwing me over. First, Jay and I were close to dating...but then something happens to mess it all up!! Now, Casey talked to David about asking me out, and according to David, Casey's been flirting with me big time. But nothing's happened yet! Nothing's even progressed much! I think I have plenty of reason to be worried and scared. Am I just falling into the same old traps? Am I incapable of learning my lesson? If not, then how many times do I have to get my heart broken before I finally take the hint?

Take a sneak peek...

So I just took the following video. This is what we've got done so far on our project. It looks waaaay cool. Just imagine what it'll look like once the entire page is filled with nothing but words!!! This is the first documentation that has been made, as of November 4, 2008 at 9:22 pm. :D

By the way...ignore the slight bickering between my brother and I. He's just somehow surprised at my utter disinterest in the result of the Presidential Election. Oh well...

If you want to be a part of something big, then read THIS...

Okay so I need everyone's help. In my Music History class, we're doing a semester project that has to somehow relate to music. My group has decided to do one HUGE black poster that is filled with hundreds of people's personal quotes about music. These quotes include:

Favorite...
-Song/s
-Era/s
-Musical/s
-Genre/s
-Band/s
-Artist/s

A musical experience you've had...
Your personal definition of music...
What it is you like about music...


All of those things are what I've been asking people. If you like, it would be well appreciated if you could give me a quote in a comment or email me or something. Don't get freaked out, but I would also need your FIRST name, your age, and your location. Some people just gave me their country, and others gave me their city and state/country. The purpose of this is to provide evidence that music influences everyone around the world, no matter what age or gender or background. Music is the one thing we all have in common. Disagree with me? Tell me in a quote. I need A LOT!! Please please please help me out here!!


If you're curious to know more about how our project works, here's the low down:

This black poster paper is about as long as your normal classroom whiteboard. This weekend, I brought some metallic markers and right now, I'm writing down quotes that I've already received. The words will flow into an abstract-looking design. It already looks great!! Our goal is to fill the entire sheet up with colorful metallic words that are all about music. After we present our project, it'll hopefully be framed and hung in the lobby of the school's auditorium. Sounds cool, right?

I promise to post pictures as soon as I can. Please put your contribution into our awesome project!!! Thanks sooooo much!!

A few reasons to be horrified...

So today was interesting. As far as the three guys go, here's the gist of it all:

Joe: Cassie asked him if he liked me (even though I already told her that he did) and he confirmed it. But here's the messed up part. Joe used to be all in love with this chick named Stacie. (No, that's not her real name.) He was heartbroken when she didn't like him even though he thought she did. Well when Cassie talked to him, he said that he wasn't going to let anyone take me away from him like they took Stacie away. That, right there, is stalker potential, but I believe Cassie told him not to be all stalkerish with me. I hope he takes the hint. I ignored him most of the day, so hopefully he'll move on quickly enough...

Jason: He didn't even acknowledge me today, which is good, I guess. I'm pretty sure my feelings for him are dissipating. I had a dream a couple of nights ago that he came up to me in the band hall and said that he was just kidding when he said he liked me at the Corn Maze. I'm not entirely sure if that's the case, though... When Cassie was telling me about Joe, she also mentioned that Jason had told Joe that he liked me. I don't know when this happened, but I'll ask Cassie if I can remember to. Anyway, he was my second choice out of the three guys, but I think I'll just take him off the table.

Casey: Ah...Casey. He's my number one (if we don't count Jay, which I'm not because nothing's going to happen there). Today, not only did he poke me and flirt, he hugged me too. Yes, the power of the hug. Joe hugged me in the morning, but it didn't feel like this. AND David took me aside this morning and asked me what I would say if Casey asked me out. I think I blushed a bit before I said that Casey's the one I'm most inclined to go out with right now. Apparently, Casey was thinking about asking me out, but I don't know anything other than that. : / We're texting each other right now actually, and I'm torn between asking him about what David said...or just flirting and leaving it alone for now... I guess we'll see! It's only taken me a day to get to the point where I wish he would ask me out... I wonder what that means?

Now that we have that settled, I have some more interesting news. Today in English class, we did this survey-type-thing where you have the following colors: Yellow, orange, red, white, and green. For each color, you match a name with it. The name needs to be of a person that you know. When I read each color, I tried to write down the first name that came to my mind. Here's how it went:

Yellow: Colton (my brother)
Orange: Kansas (Cassie's boyfriend)
Red: Jay
White: Casey
Green: Jason

These were honestly the first names I thought of for each one. Now, here's what it all means:

Colton: someone I'll never forget
Kansas: someone I consider to be a true friend
Jay: someone I really love
Casey: my twin soul
Jason: someone I will remember for the rest of my life

Interesting enough, no? Yes, yes it is. Now, of course I'll never forget my brother and I'm sure I'll always remember Jason. But what about the rest?

Kansas and I tolerate each other because of Cassie, like I've said before, but there have been times when we were something close to friends. Like today, when Cassie told me about Joe, Kansas asked if he needed to beat Joe up for me. Yeah...not something I would expect him to offer to me, but okay. Who knows? Maybe we'll become friends in the distant future. I have no idea. We'll see.

As for Casey being my twin soul... I have no idea what that means... I always thought it meant that your twin soul is like your best friend, but maybe not. Even if Casey and I end up as "best friends", I would still always want to be more than that. That's just how it works. I mean, look at Jay and Marie! Anyway, maybe this is a good sign. Maybe we will have a relationship that will last.

Speaking of Jay... I was planning on ignoring him today (mostly because he always seems to ignore me), but while I was doing the lab in first block, he came up behind me and talked to me. He even laughed...without me even making a funny. He picked on me. No joke. Was it...flirting? Part of me hopes it was, and part me hopes it wasn't. And here's the best part...or maybe the worst part...I haven't really decided. During access today, he drove me to my mom's so I could get my notebook because I forgot it. (It turns out it had been in the band hall all weekend...) But the thing is...just when I thought I could ignore him and move on, here I was, in his little truck, listening to his awesome music...and loving being alone with him. I've been trying to tell myself that whatever I feel for him is nothing more than an infatuation...but after today...I'm not so sure. The survey/test thingy says that I really love him, which I've had my own suspicions about, but is it true? Have I fallen in love with him? Part of me likes the idea, but the majority of me is terrified...

Besides bringing all my grades up to A's, I want more than anything to be able to sort out my feelings and do what I have to do. Is that such a hard thing to ask for??

The most interesting Halloween I've ever had. This is a long one...

Okay I didn't post anything in my other blog this week, but I'll be sure to do it next Friday.

Halloween was fun and not fun and awkward and pleasant all at the same time. You ever had that happen to you? Yes, I went to the Corn Maze and everything, but out of everything that I could've thought of happening, no matter how unlikely, I was soooo not prepared for this.

You ready for this? Last night, I went to the Corn Maze with 10 other people. (Again, I'll change all the names because you never know...or rather, I never know...) Kate is the one who invited me to the whole thing, and then I invited Alice and then Alice invited pretty much everyone else. So around 4:30 pm yesterday after school, Kate and her mom picked up Joe and then me before we all headed out to the Corn Maze. Alice picked up David, Lily, Casey, and Danny. I'm not sure, but I think Jason came with his sister Natalie and Brittney.

So Kate, Joe, and I were the first ones to show up at the Maze, and then then it was Jason, Natalie, and Brittney, and finally Alice, David, Lily, Casey, and Danny. Around 6, we all had our tickets and were ready to start doing some court activities. But between 5 and 6, plenty of things happened. We were waiting for people to show up and whatnot, so Joe, Kate and I started messing around and flicking each other with our Maze tickets. We chased each other around for a bit and then Jason's group showed up. Brittney always pokes me in English class, so she thought it was hilarious to poke me at the Maze too. We were all standing in a circle for a while, but then I went to sit down at a picnic table. I don't remember where Kate and Joe were, but Jason, Brittney and Natalie randomly came up to me. I was straddling the bench, so Jason sat across from me (he was also straddling the bench), and Brittney and Natalie stood surrounding me. So they all just stared at me...until one of them poked me...and then they all started poking me. I tried to poke back, but I only have so many poking fingers!!

Pretty soon, the rest of the gang showed up with Alice and then we all hung for a bit. Alice's mom brought food for us all, so we ate a bit while David, Joe, Danny, and Casey all got glowing light sabers. They battled for a while and I spent my time laughing at them and being poked with their sabers and I think I managed to steal one or two. Those things are freakin' cool!!

At 6, we were ready to get the rest of the tickets, but Lily lost all her money somehow. I gave her the rest of my money ($9) and then Jason gave her some as well as Brittney, I think. No matter, we took care of Lily and once we all had our tickets, we headed over to the racecar thingies. I forgot exactly why, but I was-- Oh yeah!! Okay so Brittney wouldn't quit poking me as we walked over to our first courtyard activity. Jason ended up holding me back as I tried to go after Brittney to get my revenge. He wrapped his arms around me and I won't lie, it felt nice, but I didn't think anything of it. Once he finally let me go, I made some remark about him not being man enough, but he heard me and ended up chasing me around our circle of friends.

Okay, so we got to the racecar thingies, and mine was a total rip off! My car was missing a pedal and all that was left was the spring that was coiled around the pole where the pedal should've been. So my foot kept slipping and I was soooo sloooow!! It was kind of fun but still cheap.

After we did that, we made our way over to the Maze map so we could decide what to do next. We could've gone into the Corn Maze, but it wouldn't have been a whole lot of fun because it wasn't haunted yet. We had to wait until 7 for that.

Now you have to understand something. Everyone who was there was from the band hall, and everyone in the band hall (with the exception of Jay) uses lots of innuendo. We mess around with each other all the time. That's just what we do. So while we were standing around the map, Jason and Casey and David and I all messed around with each other, me being the center of it all.

Finally, we decide to go in the Giant. I said I needed a scare buddy (which is true because I don't like surprises most of the time) and Jason was the first one to call dibs on me. We started walking towards the Giant and I think I heard Joe say, "Oh, no fair, Jason!" but I can't be sure. Jason and I went through the Giant first and we held on to each other the whole way.

Another thing you have to understand is that I'm a very touchy feely person. I mean, if you saw me and David on a daily basis, then you would understand. I love physical contact (not sex or groping) and I have no idea why. For a girl who's so distant, I sure like to be close with my friends.

When we got out, Jason gave me his coat and I put it on pretty much just because I think it's a freakin' awesome coat. Once everyone else was out of the Giant, Alice and Lily went to ask if we could go back in when the Giant was haunted, but no such luck.

Next, we made our way to the jungle gym where I was poked, chased, and I raced Jason down the kiddie slides....and I cheated so that I would win. Hahahahaha!!! We spent a lot of time in there and then went to wait right in front of the actual Maze entrance. There's a flagpole that's surrounded by stinky corn kernels. So for the next 10-15 minutes, we spent our time burying various members of the group and throwing corn at each other. I got chased and poked yet again, and I also stole Joe's light saber again. When he started looking for it, I swear I stood there in front of him for like a whole minute before he noticed that I had his damn saber.

Just a little after 7, we entered Phase 1 of the Corn Maze. Jason still wanted to be my scare buddy so we went in together. I can't deny it because everyone was witness to it, but Jason and I were holding on to each other almost the intire time. Half of me didn't think much of it (because, again, I love physical contact), and the other half of me...well...liked it a little more than that. I think it's safe to say that I kind of like Jason. Whenever I pulled away for a little bit, he pulled me right back to him, which was nice. He also kissed me on the top of my head...like three times.

I don't remember how, but I got separated from the group and ended up walking behind Brittney and Natalie. Not too long after that, we found Casey and started to follow him around because he seemed like he had a better idea of where to go then we did. Somehow, Casey and I got separated from Brittney and Natalie. Before last night, Casey and I had never really talked to each other even though we see each other everyday. But while he were walking around, we talked and joked and, wouldn't ya know it? We ended up walking around with our arms around each other's waist, and it wasn't nearly as awkward as it normally would've been.

I had to call Alice once, but we finally made it out of Phase 1, and who do you think was waiting? Jason. He was quick to take my attention back. There was still no sign of Brittney and Natalie, so I sat myself down on the grass in front of the exit of Phase 1. David and Danny were to the left, sitting in chairs. Alice and Lily had back into the Maze to try and find the missing two of our group. Jason came and sat by me and hinted that he wanted me to snuggle up to him, but I ignored it the first few times before I finally gave in. (At this point, I'd given him his coat back because I was too hot in it.)

While Jason was sitting to my left, Kate came and sat to my right. She started talking to me about her experience in the Maze and I gave her all of my attention. I was glad for the distraction because I didn't want to Jason to try anything to fill an awkward silence...

Since I was paying close attention to Kate, Jason got up and went over to David and Danny. I felt a bit better then, like I wasn't suffocating from awkwardness.

As soon as Jason was gone, Casey came over and layed right in front of me. I pretended to kick him and Kate joined in. We messed around a little before I got up and went to give David a hug.

Side Note: Hugging David as much I do is great because we can mess around and hug each other all the time without it ever meaning anything awkward. I love that a lot.

So I was standing behind David with Jason sitting in the chair to my left and Danny sitting in the chair to my right. Somehow, Jason ended up in the chair that Danny was in and Casey ended up in the chair that Jason was in. I was thinking really hard about how the night had been going so far, so nobody really tried to talk to me, which was fine.

When Brittney and Natalie came out, we waited until Brittney could get a band-aid because she tore her finger on the fence or something, and then we were ready for Phase 2 of the Corn Maze. It was great because like six of us huddled together and considered going through the Maze like that, but it didn't happen that way. Haha.

After I got my ticket hole punched, I went in and Jason got ahold of me right away. That's how we went through all of Phase 2, except this time the whole group stayed together, and we'd picked up a few more just before that. I have no idea who they were, but everyone else seemed to.

Casey led the way through Phase 2 until we reached the line for Scream Acres (which was kind of lame, I think...) I won't spend time describing the entire experience through Scream Acres, but I will say that the chainsaws and the truck were pretty badass. Other than that, I think they could've done a better job.

So when we all got out of Scream Acres, we found out that Natalie had sprained her ankle while we were gone. (She didn't want to go with us through Phase 2) Jason held on to me for a while longer before he went to take care of his sister. Eventually, I realized that I'd lost my ticket somewhere in Scream Acres. So while everyone else (except Natalie) went into Pitch Black (which they said was REALLY lame), I went back and layed down in the Jungle gym.

I watched a guy play hackeysac (sp?) and then I just looked up at the stars. I couldn't see many of them though, and that made me kind of sad. While I was laying there, I prayed. Now, I'm not an uber-religious person. The only thing I believe in is God. I don't believe in Jesus or the Bible. I just feel like I need someone to talk to about anything, and God is that person. So I silently prayed for guidance. I figured that this next week can go one of three ways:

1) Both Joe and Jason will ask me out
2) Only one of them will ask me out
3) I'll get lucky, and neither of them will ask me out

So I pretty much asked God to help me sort out my feelings and find a way to reject who I need to reject in such a way so that none of my friendships are ruined any. I hope I can do this...

When everyone got out of Pitch Black, they came to find me (except I think Jason went to see how Natalie was doing).

I can't remember exactly, but at one point it was just Joe who layed next to me and then it was Lily. Next was Casey. I think I was talking to Joe or something when Casey randomly yet slowly grabbed my hand. Again, I didn't protest because 1) it made me feel better, and 2) I didn't even realize it a few seconds. He messed around and made me laugh a little bit and then kissed the back of my hand, which I didn't mind at all. Hmmmm....

I finally sat up and Lily came to sit on my right while Casey sat on my left. I had Joe call Jay because Jay was supposed to bring Cassie's markers that he stole. We have to use these specific markers for our Music History project, but Jay keeps forgetting to bring them. While Joe was leaving a message on Jay's phone, I noticed for the first time that Joe was wearing shorts and a short-sleeved shirt. He said something about not being able to move his hands so I felt them, and sure enough, they were freezing.

Item #3 to understand: I am such a mom. Almost all my friends can attest to that.

Keeping in mind item #3, I took Joe's free hand in mine and tried to warm it up. I promise that this was just because I was a little worried. Come on! It's the last day of October! This time last year, there was snow on the ground! Plus it was like 10pm... It was cold, alright!!

So after I'm pretty sure that he's not going to get frostbite, I got up and off of the Jungle gym. (Sometime before this, a couple of kids came and talked to us a little and I helped one onto the monkey bar-type-things).

I don't remember who I was talking to, but all of a sudden, Joe came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. That felt slightly uncomfortable, but I was too tired to care...and I just didn't know what to do about it...

Mercifully, Kate came over and told Alice and I that her mom was here to pick us up. (Sometime before this, Jason and Natalie had to leave. He came over and gave me a big hug and then left). I said my good-byes and gave Casey my phone number after Lily declared her love for me. Ahhh I love that chick. We've been friends for a looong time. :)

So Alice, Joe, and I left with Kate and her mom. In the car, I sat in the back in the middle with Alice on my left and Joe on my right. Kate sat in the front with her mom. We were all pretty tired, but we still had to recap the night for Kate's mom. (I can't remember her name!!) x_x

While I was staring out the windowshield, Joe randomly took my hand in his, and damnit, I let him. I sound like a total slut, don't I? Well just you wait! The best (worst) is yet to come!

So during the time it took to get to Joe's house, he'd lain his head on my shoulder, linked his fingers with mine, and just before he got out of the car, he kissed me on the cheek. Being the retarded and sleep-deprived zombie that I was, I let him to all of this AND I gave him a hug before he got out of the car....

After that, we went to Kate's house and ate sweets, apples and carmel, drank everything from grape juice to soda to water, watched the Disney channel, picked on Kate's bird, and texted Casey. It was really fun even though we were all sooo freakin' tired!!

I ended up being the last one fall asleep. While Kate and Alice were asleep, I got up and turned of all the lights that were on. I tried to turn the tv off, but I couldn't figure out how to, so I just left it on and went to sleep.

So that's pretty much what went down Halloween night.

Here's how I see things:

Joe: He's a nice guy, but he's too awkward for my taste. I'm the kind of girl who likes to take things a tad slower than others. Joe kind of crossed the line when he kissed me on the cheek. I mean, everything else was like walking the line. I probably should've said something to him...but I'm too damn nice!!!! D: If he asks me out, there's no doubt in my mind that I'll reject him. How? I have no clue!

Jason: I'm surprised he's even interested in me! I mean, he's too good looking. Haha not really. I just wouldn't see him as someone who'd be crushing on me. He's also a bit of a playa. I mean...he told me that he was looking to better his realtionships; to work on them, but I'm not so sure... He's well aware that I don't plan on having sex for a looong time, so if he still likes me after knowing that, then he might be worth it... But last night was the first time we ever officially talked. I can't determine much after just one night. If he asks me out, I'll tell him that I have to get to know him much better first.

....Casey: ....I don't know... He didn't do anything that would make me positive that he likes me as more than a friend. Honestly, throughout the whole night, I felt the most comfortable, and pathetically, the most safe, when I was with him. He also made me laugh a lot. There was absolutely nothing that he did that made me feel uncomfortable. I doubt he'll ask me out, but if he does... I think I'd be more likely date him if anyone...

Of course, I still have feelings for Jay, but I'm pretty damn sure that ship has sailed. And now that I think about it, I never did get the markers from him last night....