I hate my life

I don't know what to do. I can't move forward no matter how hard I try. I love him enough to give him another chance, but I also hate him enough that I want to erase him from my life. I wish I didn't love him like I do. Either that, or I wish he loved me the way I love him. It doesn't work when you're on two different pages. It doesn't work when I love him more than he loves me. Even knowing this, I can't let go. I wish I could not love him!! I wish I didn't want him!! I wish this with all my heart because I know that since he won't be the boyfriend I need, I'll have to be the one to end it. But I don't have the motivation or will to do it... I'm pushing him, I know. I'm sick and tired of waiting on him all the time. I'm so tired of his excuses. But then the next minute, it seems like he's becoming his old self again, until I get my hopes up. Then he disappoints me once more. Were he to read this, he would take it as a sign to break up with me. He would start telling me that he's a bad person and a waste of space and all kinds of things that just aren't true. What he doesn't understand is that he can take all of my pain away so easily. He says he loves me, and I want to believe him... But he's violated my trust before. Violated it horribly... I would believe that he loves me if would simply prove it! All he has to do is TREAT me like he loves me, and we won't have any problems. It's so easy!! But he won't do it. I don't understand! Is it that he actually doesn't love me? That's what it seems like! I don't see what else it could be. Nothing else makes sense to me. He's playing mind games with me, it seems, and it's killing me slowly but surely. God, please save me. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. Please....I don't deserve this. Take away my pain, my suffering, my endless confusion. Please do this for me!!

Hello!

Cirque du Soleil has the power to make me tinkle...

Okay okay okay. I'm done talking about Jay. Instead, I think I'll talk about scholarships.

As a Junior in high school, it's normal for me to start looking and applying for scholarships. But, damn it, why do they have to be to boring!!! I'm not the most outgoing person in the world, nor am I the most hard-working. But I still find it sigh-worthy that I'm sitting here typing up an essay on what we owe to our veterans. Blah blah blah. Veterans Day is a great holiday, but I'd rather write about something I'm passionate about. Isn't that what students should be encouraged to do? I don't know about you, but more than once I've gotten the "The most important thing is your happiness, so do what makes you happy," speech. But do not be fooled, loves. Just because they say it doesn't always suggest that they mean every word.

Bah!! (yes, I do actually spontaneously yell Bah!! when I'm frustrated)

Even though my brain is melting with boredom and a sorrow for all the time I may be wasting if I don't win this scholarship, I must reel in my bad thoughts and finish this damn thing...tomorrow... :)

On another note, CIRQUE DU SOEIL IS AMAZING! Jay and I went to see Kooza last weekend. It was so exciting that I tinkled a little bit. And you can't go "Gross!" because you know you've done it too, and if you say you haven't, then you're a liar and who cares?

Anyway, I highly recommend any of the Cirque du Soleil shows to anyone and everyone. Everyone needs to tinkle in their undies at least once in their life. It's unavoidable!!

Adios!!

Super short update.

Jay and I are okay now. I can't figure out explain how it all happened.... Basically, I told him I decided to forget that this ever happened. See, we were stuck. Neither of us had any idea what to do, so I figured we should just forget about it this time around.

I haven't heard about my grandma's condition....

We painted my soon-to-be bedroom yesterday. It's not finished. The blue needs another coat and I still need to paint my white tree. I wanted a black one, but my mom won't let me....

My first finals of the week are tomorrow. I'm a little nervous....

We Chamber Choir auditions today. A lot of people tried out. Most of them made it. I'm not sure if Cassie made it, but Micah definitely did....

We're going to go back to the new house now, so I'll blog later.

I finally heard from him at 10:11pm.

Just felt like bitching in order to pass the time....

Still haven't heard anything from Jay. What does this mean?? I feel like crying again but I know it won't do me any good. My mom asked me why Jay and I aren't talking.... I told her I didn't want to talk about it.... She wouldn't want to know anyway.

My dad and my brother are at TGI Friday's while I'm stuck babysitting. I really want some potato skins. Oh, and I finally ate something at 7pm. I had goldfish and a fruit grain bar and some Chex mix.... And I feel guilty about it somehow. Is there a term for that?

God, I really want to get out. I want to go to a movie and not worry about being home at a certain time. I want to go wherever I want without worrying about getting caught or not having transportation or not having money. I want to go on a date with my boyfriend, if he's even still my boyfriend. I'm a romantic, and us romantics need ROMANCE!! But he's not good at that because he never thinks about it. He said a while ago that he was working on a project for me or something like that. He said it would take about a month.... I bet he forgot about it. Either that, or he just decided he was too lazy to do it. Then again, maybe he is working on it, and I'm just jumping to conclusions.

Earlier this year, when we were talking about our birthdays, he said, "Would you mind if I spent that day just with you?" I said of course I didn't mind. But right from the beginning, I doubted that would happen. Not too long ago, he said that his parents were planning a party for him with his family. He said he didn't want them to plan anything for him. Instead, he wanted to plan his own party with all his friends. Parties like he and his older sister used to have. I just listened for the most part.... I didn't mention what he'd said before all this about how he wanted to spend his birthday....

I know this sounds silly, but I was a little hurt.... First, he wanted to spend his birthday with me, but then he wanted to spend it with eveyone else all of a sudden. I felt like he went from "As long as I'm with you, it'll be the best birthday I've ever had," to "Well, I'd like to see you on my birthday, but I'd rather spend the day partying with my buds." It's like on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the highest and 1 being the lowest), I went from 10 to 5. I understand he wants to hang out with friends on his birthday; I wanted that too! But he didn't have to shove me down his ladder of importance like that. Why did he change it? Half his friends just use him for various things anyway.

I'm probably overreacting....

But now I have a decision to make.... If he has a party, do I want to go? Yes, I want to celebrate his birthday with him, but how much will it really matter if I'm there or not? He'll have people to divide his attention between, and since a lot of his friends are not my friends, I'll just be sitting in the corner, watching him with everyone else. I don't want to go through that. That's why I stopped going to dances. I hate being alone.... I mean, somtimes I need to be alone or I'd rather be alone, but not at parties or any other type of gathering. I've had to deal with that for a long time, and it's almost like a phobia for me. Plus, his friends would be all over him, which would just make me jealous. I know it's nothing to be jealous about, but I can't help it!!! I can't control my emotions, and jealousy is an emotion....

My first choice would be to stay home and let him have his party without me so I don't have to suffer.... But I know I would just hear about everything that happened anyway, and my emotions would still some out to play. Also, it might be better for me to be there because even though it'll eat me up inside, I can keep and eye on Jay and make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. If I don't go to his party, he may very well do something I wouldn't approve of. I would find out one way or another, and if it was something he knows he shouldn't've done, then I'll give him Hell and a broken heart, all in one shot. I wouldn't give a damn that it was his birthday at that point.

See, I wasn't always this untrusting of Jay. I don't trust anyone completely because I'm literally incapable of it, but I did trust Jay more than anyone at one point earlier this year. But he did something and must've assumed I wouldn't find out about it, and so that made it okay. Well, I did find out about it and was SO close to breaking up with him. So now I don't trust him as much as I used to.

Just a couple of days ago, he told me that when he's under stress, he goes back to his "old ways" (drugs and alcohol). I got irritated and downright pissed off when he said that. But come on!! Everyone is under stress more often than not. It pissed me off that he was so calm about being weak enough to drink when he gets stressed. I mean, grow up!! Grow some nuts and deal with your problems like the man I was hoping you had become!! But he thinks that he can't control it, like the drugs and alcohol just find their way into his system on their own and his conscious actions have nothing to do with it. Bull shit!!!

I really hate it when he lies to me.

I also hate it when he forgets things because he doesn't think they matter, but the thing is, they matter to me. I am his partner, and what I say DOES matter!!

I also hate how closed minded he can be and how poor his social skills are.

See, this is what I mean when I say that I wish he would use his brain, because he's smart guy, but he doesn't give a shit about much of anything except the stupid shit that deosn't even matter. When he doesn't use his brain and opts to be rebellious and rude and uncurtious, I feel entirely superior to him. I hate that feeling!!! But he just gives me everything I need to feel that way....

I want too much from him, I know, but he doesn't even know half of the things I want from him. The things I do ask of him are not that damn hard at all, but he doesn't care enough to make an honest effort to even just remember!!

I feel so unimportant to him sometimes, or at least no more important than anyone else, which is not how it goes when talking about soul mates. So I guess this means we aren't soul mates, but there's no way I could ever get him to believe it. He'll start talking about how I'm the only woman he wants and that's how his feelings wil remain for the rest of his life. But then I'll think, Well, where's the proof? You hardly act like you love me that much anymore....

Micah is dating Cassie now. He always writtes her little notes, and sometimes even letters and leaves them in places where Casse will find them. He randomly gets her flowers, even if it's just a single flower picked from the side of someone's yard. Even if it's just a dandelion!! The point is that he's always thinking about her. His status on MySpace always says something about how lucky he is to have Cassie and how much he misses her. I'm honestly jealous. Cassie used to be jealous of Jay and I because Kansas and her were having major problems. Jay and I used to be like the "model" couple for everyone else. I've written him a note before, on my birthday!! I gave it to him on our anniversary. I put it somewhere that he'd have to find it. I've also left him 82 or so messages in his inbox while he was sleeping. He woke up to some random messages, some funny ones, some sweet ones....

I did that because I'm ALWAYS thinking about him. Literally. I am not exaggerating whatsoever. He's the last thing I think of at night, and the first thing I think of in the morning. This is why I say that I think my feelings may be more developed than his. I do the random sweet things for him. I gladly go out of my way for him without a second thought, because I love him and he means everything to me.

I only wish he was like that with me all the time. But even if he did write me notes all the time, he wouldn't care enough to spell right. That's what happened the first and only time he left me a note, which was one sentence....

We'd have less problems if there was more romance in our relationship.... We'd have the communication we need, because Lord knows that when I want to have a serious conversation about something he thinks will stress him out, he's damn quick to change the subject or ignore me altogether, like he has been lately.

Ugh.... I know there are things wrong with me. I know I'm at fault in our relationship at times, but at least I try to fix it and remember it so I don't make the same mistake twice. He just sayd he'll fix it, and instead forgets about it, just to do it again. Cassie says I should suggest a temporary break because he I need to make him scared. A false alarm, so to speak. I'm afraid of doing that because he does bad things when he gets depressed.... And I know he would be depressed. I would be too scared for him to actually go through with a break....

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!! And since he won't talk to me, I'll assume that he doesn't want anything to do with me, so I certainly can't look to him for help.

Soul mates can always depend on one another. So knowing that, what do I take away from it?

I have nothing better to do....

Jay has not tried to contact me at all. I know he was supposed to work today, but not all day. He usually has to clean on Saturdays, but not all day either....

Are we even still together?

I haven't tried to contact him either. I wonder how much longer this will go on....

Has he read my blog? I don't think so.... I think he would've contacted me if he had....

I haven't eaten all day. No... Actually, I had some mints. I'm seeing how long I can go without eating. Why not?

My grandma is sedated again, but her lungs are looking better.

I watched a Lifetime movie today. It was about a girl who was raped at a party. She didn't tell anyone until a year later. Meanwhile, she was extremly depressed, but she never tried to commit suicide, which surprised me....

I should be doing homework.... Reading my History book, that is. My finals are next week. So are Chamber Choir auditions. I really hope we get some good people this year; we're losing a lot of talented seniors, and there are some girls auditioning who really aren't cut out for singing at the Chamber Choir level. Cassie better not back down this year. She freaked out last year and dumped the audition. I'm very anal about choir. Music is very very important to me, and when the people in an auditioned choir are not good enough to be in it, it pisses me off....

I know, I know.... I'm a bitch.

I was thinking about going for a walk, but I don't know where I would go. Maybe to the park.... Or the hospital. Or maybe to the house we're moving to. Luke moved in today. Now it's our turn, and we have to be all moved in by June 1st.

My mom said I could paint the walls in my new room (which is really small, by the way).

I told her I didn't want solid colored walls, but that I wanted a picture or design of some sort. The thing is, none of us are artists. The most I could draw is a crappy flower.... So I have no idea how that's going to turn out.

I love this picture.... It shows a sort of carelessness. They don't care if they're goofy because they're in love. It looks so natural.... I envy them. They're alone, but unlike most teenagers, there is nothing sexual going on. Just a nice walk along the railroad. They are happy simply by being together. They look sweet....

Jay and I went on a walk before. I suggested it, even had to drag him outside. I didn't want it to be anything but a walk together, but a couple times, he made some sexual advances. Nothing serious, though. But it makes me sad that this happens every time we're alone together. I try to avoid it most of the time, but it still happens. The last time I didn't resist it, we ended up in the situation we're currently in. If we're even still together, I'll be reining in my sexual urges, and I expect him to do the same. This will stop, or else we won't be dating anymore.

People call Jay whipped.... But I don't think he is. If he was, he would pursue me.

I'm whipped, I think.... I'm resisting pursuing him because I'm afraid I'm falling to fast and too far.... I don't want to end up hurt, even though it seems inevitable right now....

I don't want to babysit tonight.... But I get paid, so I guess it's worth it. I would still like to go to TGI Friday's, but by the time I'm done with babysitting, I don't know if my dad will pick me up and take me, or if Janine will take me over there, or if my dad and brother will even be there.

Speaking of Janine, her husband Dwight is supposed to be picking me up tonight for babysitting.... We've said maybe 10 words to each other.... This will be SO awkward.... I hate this!! But life is full of awkward situations. I suppose I should just suck it up and get it over with as fast as possible.