Dreams are bogus...

You know what I just discovered? No, I'm not talking about how I had an "epiphany" in English about how perfect conformity and perfect individuality do not exist. I'm talking about the same old crap I've been talking about.

On Sunday, I was thinking waaaay too much (as I often do), and I decided something. You know that "someone" I was talking about in my previous blog?.... Well, it might be easier to give him a false name. Let's call him... Jay. I like Jay. I like Jay a lot. You have no idea. Well, maybe you do, but only if you happen to have been in the same position as me.

Jay and I have one class together, seeing as he's three years older than me. Also, my best friend is friends with him, and my best friend's boyfriend is friends with him. So we'd never talked much before, but my best friend Cassie got us talking to each other and we soon became...very well acquainted... The truth is, one Sunday night, we got to the point where we were...almost crazy about each other. I wish you could see the things he would tell me... I even saved the messages, loser that I am, but I prefer to keep those private. The point is, he's the sweetest guy, but he's not a pansy either. Damn near perfect.

Just when it seems like there's a 90% chance we might go out, this other girl shows up and screws everything up. That night marks the night that my heart started to break. This girl all of a sudden decides that she likes Jay. Not a big deal...except the fact that he's had the biggest crush on her for the longest time. So he tells me that he's confused and he can't decide who he wants to be with more; me or her. Apparently, half of him belonged to her and half of him belonged to me. I guess that's a nice thing to hear...except I was already able to see the outcome of what was happening.

Guys don't choose me. It doesn't work that way with me. I was once told that I'm too mysterious, but I think that a person has to be interesting to be mysterious, and I'm not that interesting. So for some other reason, I wasn't good enough for Jay to choose me over her. It's not like I was trying to drag him back to my "side", in fact, I told him that I wasn't going to try and muddle his mind even more. I wanted to be supportive of whatever he wanted to do, and I wasn't planning on making the decision any harder for him. Jay said it might actually be a good thing if I tried to draw him closer to me...and I wrote it off like I didn't feel right about it; like I felt as if I'd be cheating him out of his decision. Yes, that was part of the reason why, but the biggest part is because...well...I don't know how to draw someone to me. I was afraid that I would just screw it up even more. I mean...I wouldn't even know where to start! I once told him that I really wanted to just kiss him, and he said it might help him make up his mind...and I might've, except that I've never done that before.

In order to keep Jay, I would have to do several things for the first time, and I have no idea of how to do any of them. So there I was, waiting for at least a week for Jay to make up his mind. Finally, I told him that I had decided to "drop out of the race". I was still crazy about him, but I couldn't stand the wait any longer. They say that if you love something, you'll let it go, and if it comes back to you, then it's meant to be yours. I'm not saying that I love Jay, because I don't even know what love is, but the analogy still works. I want to be with Jay so bad...and he once said that he wanted to be with me more than breathing itself.

Anyway...I told Jay to just date this other girl and see if it works out. It turns out that they did go out for like...a day before he decided that they should just be friends. Naturally, I was ecstatic about this, but I soon realized that nothing had really changed. To this day, we have still made no progress. He said recently, "I guess I still have feelings for you..." but he's been talking to another girl about what he should do.

Yes, that's right. I said another girl. This one happens to be his "best friend". Whatever. I see them as infatuated with each other. Of course, I'm insanely jealous of her, but I try to hide it the best I can. Let's call this girl Marie. So, from what I understand, Jay and Marie had dated not too long before Jay and I officially met. I actually remember a time during lunch at school when Jay seemed really sad. Cassie talked with him a little and all I really remember is Cassie saying, "So...what, she just doesn't feel the same way anymore?" Jay shrugged and shook his head... I also remember Marie walking into the room for something...and Jay watched her the whole time. I thought nothing of it at the time, but now that I think about it, Marie must've broken up with Jay...while Jay was still in love with her.

No matter how many times I hear, "Oh, they're just friends. They don't feel that way about each other anymore," I know better than that. Come on!!! I read people for a living! I know that they still have strong feelings for each other. I mean, they're ALWAYS around each other... Even now as Jay is out of town for the week... I know he's only thinking about Marie. When he gets back, she'll be the only one he wants to see. I hardly matter to him anymore, even though I remember him saying at one point that I was everything special to him.

I want to be the person he can't wait to see. I want to be his one and only. Sounds crazy, right? Yeah, I know. That's the reason I haven't talked to him about it. I mean...I've been trying hard to be friendly and open and supportive and everything to him...but I've gotten no response. Either he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, so he's ignoring me... or he's seriously missing all my little hints.

Another option is that he does kind of still like me...but he's confiding in Marie. If she still likes him, WHICH SHE DOES, then of course she's not going to want him to be with me. She'll be telling him things like, "Well...I don't know, Jay. She doesn't seem right for you. Maybe you should just give it some more time..." So that's what he's been doing. He's been holding off making a decision because Marie's telling him to. You know why she's doing that? I would bet money it's because she wants to stall him as long as possible until she can get up the courage to confess to him that she wants him back.

If this is true, and I may be totally off, then I have no chance. Marie is better than me in almost every way. I mean...if that wasn't true, then don't you think that Jay would be more in to me? He was SO in to me not too long ago...but then it was like a switch being turned off.

*Sigh* I told him I would wait for him... But that was a while ago. I need to know if I'm wasting my time waiting for something that is likely to never happen. I tried to get him to tell me if that was the case, but as usual, I can't get any straight answers out of him. I want to move on because I'm convinced that nothing is meant to happen between us. There are so many signs which support that.

I need to know what he's thinking. I need to know how he feels. I know how I feel and I think he knows how I feel too. I've worn my heart on my sleeve and have taken the risk of letting others know that I feel strongly for him. If I allow myself to move on under false pretenses, I'll always wonder if I missed out on something I really wanted....Something I want right now...very badly.

I've told him that I don't dream anymore because they never come true. That's kind of a lie... I've been dreaming about this for a while, and believe me, I've tried to make it stop because it scares me, but no such luck. What does that mean? I have no idea, but I have a feeling that if he reads this, then he'll be freaked out and possibly never talk to me again, which is the opposite of what I want. I just hope he'll understand that I'm just as freaked out by this as he is...maybe even more so...

"So what happens when you want something that others want too? Do you fight? Share? Or do you become generous enough to give it all up...?"
~Me