Playing "catch up"

Okay so I haven't blogged since last week and I never posted a "Friday Fiction" piece. The one I'm working on is an old piece I wrote, but it's kind of long, which is why it's taking a while for me to re-type it on here.

So far at school, things haven't gotten much better.

Joe: He still asks for hugs now and then, but he doesn't act as obsessed as Cassie and I prodicted he would. I think it's because I've been ignoring him a little bit, but I make it seem like I just don't notice him...and not on purpose. That's seemed to make him back off quite a bit, which is fine with me. More than fine, really...

Jason: Since the Corn Maze, he's hugged me once, and I'm not sure it could even classify as a hug. I can't really describe it, but from the vibes I'm getting from him, he's hesitant about touching me becaue he wants to play it cool. Jason is one of those guys who comes off as a "playa", (as I've said before), so when he likes a girl, he ignores her. That's his tactic, and it's somewhat similar to mine. I'm never the first one to make a move. Anyway, I have no idea if he still likes me right now or not, and I don't plan on asking. I guess I still like him, but if I had to make a list, he would be my third preference out of the guys that like me.

Casey: He acts like he likes me...but he also acts like he has a crush on evey other girl he sees. I hate that. I know I do it to an extent, but people know my motives for acting the way I do, and if they don't, then perhaps they should look harder. Anyway, Casey is another mystery to me. I would date him, but I just have this feeling that it wouldn't last long. He's too much of a loose cannon, and I couldn't handle that. Jake was like that, and it made me nervous. That's one reason we only lasted three weeks... ANYway... I need to know what Casey's thinking before I can really determine anything for myself. Plus, he hasn't even asked me out, so I'm thinking nothing's even gonna happen where he's concerned.


Jay: Jay...Jay Jay Jay... I like saying his real name much more than I like saying his protective name that I've given him. He's been...different...still. I have no idea what he's thinking, and I hate that to no end...just like I hate that Casey's a huge flirt. That's one of the reasons I like Jay so much. If he likes a girl, he won't let on. When he liked me, it was different because he expressed it online. Then again, when he officially liked me, it was a Friday night and we weren't going to be able to see each other until Monday. But he ended up being sick on Monday, so he wasn't at school. When I talked to him that night, he said he'd been waiting for me to get home so we could IM. He said that he worked at home just so he could be there when I got back. I miss that side of him terribly, but I guess I screwed it up and now things are just plain sucky. But the point is, if that other girl wouldn't have shown up just then, he might've shown his affection towards me on Tuesday, but wouldn't ya know it? Monday night, she ruins everything at the exact moment that I start to be a little happy.

*Sigh*

You know, I have my choice of guys. I'm well aware of this, but still, Jay is the one I want the most. Even though I know Jason will actually hold me and be sweet to me, and Casey actually talks to me all the time and hugs me and tickles me, Jay is still my number one. No joke. If Casey asked me out, right now, I think I would say yes, but if by some wacko miracle Jay asked me out while I was with Casey, I would be very tempted to leave Casey for Jay. I feel horribly ashamed saying this, but I know it's the truth. The only reason I would be so quick to leave Casey is because I know how fast Jay can change his mind, and I'm always afraid of somehow missing out on a chance to be with him. I would take him in a second if he asked me to. It seems like even though I keep saying I've lost faith in the possibility of a relationship with Jay, I'm still hoping that he'll come back to me some how. What does this mean? I have no idea, and I'm a little hesitant to know....

Any ideas?

The only time I wish I was completely unattractive...

You know what I don't get? Why is it that everyone seems to like me all of a sudden? I mean, I can count five guys that like me right now, and one of them asked me out two days ago. This is ridiculous because:

1) He doesn't even know me! I mean, we'd probably said twenty words to each other before he asked me out!

2) Okay, just about everyone knows that I'm kinda sorta hung up on someone else right now. If this person knows that, then why would he bother asking me out? And if he doesn't know, then he's bad at paying attention to details, which is so not a quality that girls want in a guy.

3) HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME!!

Let's name this guy Chuck. Chuck is a really nice guy. Even though I know virtually nothing about him, I've been able to gather that he's sweet. No, he's not super hott or anything, but he's not fugly either. That's not why I'm going to reject him. The following reasons ARE why I'm going to reject him, though.

A) Chuck knows nothing about me, so how can he possibly expect to have a relationship with me? For all he knows, I could be the biggest bitch alive or a total slut. He wouldn't want to have a relationship with someone like that. Chuck may be nice, but he's sure not a thinker, and I don't like that.

B) Chuck is starting to seem a little bit like a stalker. This past April, I did have a stalker, but he only stalked me in school. Of course, I didn't like him like that; I was merely nice to him. I was/am also nice to Chuck, so I think that's why he's all goo-goo-eyed over me right now. I didn't flirt with him AT ALL. And if I did, I sure as hell don't remeber it, so he has no other reason to like me. Back in April, my stalker would follow me around the school during lunch and in between classes. I started to get stressed out and scared because I couldn't bring myself to just get rid of him. When he asked if I had a boyfriend, I said no, but I should've said yes. When he asked if I wanted to have lunch with him, I should've said no, but I didn't have to heart to do it. I hid from him at lunch instead... and long story short, I ended up with my first ever boyfriend who was supposed to pretend to be my boyfriend so that I'd have an excuse to reject my stalker. It turned out that my "boyfriend" actually wanted to be my boyfriend.... and so we went out, but that's another story for another time. ANYHOO.... Today at lunch, Chuck kept following me everywhere. I would go out in the band hall to talk to Cassie, and Chuck followed right at my heels. I went to the otherside of the band hall and sat on the risers, and Chuck came right along with me and stood by me until the guy I was sitting by got up. Then Chuck decided he needed to sit by me. I was feeling uncomfortable, so eventually, I stood up and walked back into the band room, and wouldn't ya know it? Chuck remained my shadow. I went to sit in a chair, and he came and sat behind me. I didn't really talk to him because I just wanted him to go away. You think he would get a clue...

C) I'm still hung up on Jay. I know I have no chance with him, but I still really like him. Unlike Chuck, I don't stalk my crushes. I've left Jay alone during lunch for the most part...except when I just wanted to see him. He doesn't seem to mind. He doesn't walk away from me like I walk away from Chuck. But more to the point, I don't like Chuck the way he likes me. Maybe if Jay didn't cloud my mind, I might just try going out with Chuck. The thing is, it wouldn't be fair to Chuck if while I dated him, I still had strong feelings for Jay. I can't just make those go away. I wish I could, because my feelings are so not being returned, but it's just not going to happen. If I dated Chuck right now, I would still always be thinking about Jay, and that would make me a shitty girlfriend. I refuse to do that to anyone, so I really just can't date Chuck.

If I explain all of this to him, will he understand and be okay with it? Or will he think I'm lying and just assume that I think he's fugly and annoying. I mean...he is kind of annoying, but that has nothing to do with why I don't have a crush on him. Either tomorrow he'll ask for my phone number, or he'll ask me out again, or he'll wait until early next week to try again. I wish he would just give up, but I doubt it. Either way, I'll have to deal with him and let him down as easily as I can.

Cassie wouldn't be too happy if she read this...