Playing "catch up"

Okay so I haven't blogged since last week and I never posted a "Friday Fiction" piece. The one I'm working on is an old piece I wrote, but it's kind of long, which is why it's taking a while for me to re-type it on here.

So far at school, things haven't gotten much better.

Joe: He still asks for hugs now and then, but he doesn't act as obsessed as Cassie and I prodicted he would. I think it's because I've been ignoring him a little bit, but I make it seem like I just don't notice him...and not on purpose. That's seemed to make him back off quite a bit, which is fine with me. More than fine, really...

Jason: Since the Corn Maze, he's hugged me once, and I'm not sure it could even classify as a hug. I can't really describe it, but from the vibes I'm getting from him, he's hesitant about touching me becaue he wants to play it cool. Jason is one of those guys who comes off as a "playa", (as I've said before), so when he likes a girl, he ignores her. That's his tactic, and it's somewhat similar to mine. I'm never the first one to make a move. Anyway, I have no idea if he still likes me right now or not, and I don't plan on asking. I guess I still like him, but if I had to make a list, he would be my third preference out of the guys that like me.

Casey: He acts like he likes me...but he also acts like he has a crush on evey other girl he sees. I hate that. I know I do it to an extent, but people know my motives for acting the way I do, and if they don't, then perhaps they should look harder. Anyway, Casey is another mystery to me. I would date him, but I just have this feeling that it wouldn't last long. He's too much of a loose cannon, and I couldn't handle that. Jake was like that, and it made me nervous. That's one reason we only lasted three weeks... ANYway... I need to know what Casey's thinking before I can really determine anything for myself. Plus, he hasn't even asked me out, so I'm thinking nothing's even gonna happen where he's concerned.


Jay: Jay...Jay Jay Jay... I like saying his real name much more than I like saying his protective name that I've given him. He's been...different...still. I have no idea what he's thinking, and I hate that to no end...just like I hate that Casey's a huge flirt. That's one of the reasons I like Jay so much. If he likes a girl, he won't let on. When he liked me, it was different because he expressed it online. Then again, when he officially liked me, it was a Friday night and we weren't going to be able to see each other until Monday. But he ended up being sick on Monday, so he wasn't at school. When I talked to him that night, he said he'd been waiting for me to get home so we could IM. He said that he worked at home just so he could be there when I got back. I miss that side of him terribly, but I guess I screwed it up and now things are just plain sucky. But the point is, if that other girl wouldn't have shown up just then, he might've shown his affection towards me on Tuesday, but wouldn't ya know it? Monday night, she ruins everything at the exact moment that I start to be a little happy.

*Sigh*

You know, I have my choice of guys. I'm well aware of this, but still, Jay is the one I want the most. Even though I know Jason will actually hold me and be sweet to me, and Casey actually talks to me all the time and hugs me and tickles me, Jay is still my number one. No joke. If Casey asked me out, right now, I think I would say yes, but if by some wacko miracle Jay asked me out while I was with Casey, I would be very tempted to leave Casey for Jay. I feel horribly ashamed saying this, but I know it's the truth. The only reason I would be so quick to leave Casey is because I know how fast Jay can change his mind, and I'm always afraid of somehow missing out on a chance to be with him. I would take him in a second if he asked me to. It seems like even though I keep saying I've lost faith in the possibility of a relationship with Jay, I'm still hoping that he'll come back to me some how. What does this mean? I have no idea, and I'm a little hesitant to know....

Any ideas?

The most interesting Halloween I've ever had. This is a long one...

Okay I didn't post anything in my other blog this week, but I'll be sure to do it next Friday.

Halloween was fun and not fun and awkward and pleasant all at the same time. You ever had that happen to you? Yes, I went to the Corn Maze and everything, but out of everything that I could've thought of happening, no matter how unlikely, I was soooo not prepared for this.

You ready for this? Last night, I went to the Corn Maze with 10 other people. (Again, I'll change all the names because you never know...or rather, I never know...) Kate is the one who invited me to the whole thing, and then I invited Alice and then Alice invited pretty much everyone else. So around 4:30 pm yesterday after school, Kate and her mom picked up Joe and then me before we all headed out to the Corn Maze. Alice picked up David, Lily, Casey, and Danny. I'm not sure, but I think Jason came with his sister Natalie and Brittney.

So Kate, Joe, and I were the first ones to show up at the Maze, and then then it was Jason, Natalie, and Brittney, and finally Alice, David, Lily, Casey, and Danny. Around 6, we all had our tickets and were ready to start doing some court activities. But between 5 and 6, plenty of things happened. We were waiting for people to show up and whatnot, so Joe, Kate and I started messing around and flicking each other with our Maze tickets. We chased each other around for a bit and then Jason's group showed up. Brittney always pokes me in English class, so she thought it was hilarious to poke me at the Maze too. We were all standing in a circle for a while, but then I went to sit down at a picnic table. I don't remember where Kate and Joe were, but Jason, Brittney and Natalie randomly came up to me. I was straddling the bench, so Jason sat across from me (he was also straddling the bench), and Brittney and Natalie stood surrounding me. So they all just stared at me...until one of them poked me...and then they all started poking me. I tried to poke back, but I only have so many poking fingers!!

Pretty soon, the rest of the gang showed up with Alice and then we all hung for a bit. Alice's mom brought food for us all, so we ate a bit while David, Joe, Danny, and Casey all got glowing light sabers. They battled for a while and I spent my time laughing at them and being poked with their sabers and I think I managed to steal one or two. Those things are freakin' cool!!

At 6, we were ready to get the rest of the tickets, but Lily lost all her money somehow. I gave her the rest of my money ($9) and then Jason gave her some as well as Brittney, I think. No matter, we took care of Lily and once we all had our tickets, we headed over to the racecar thingies. I forgot exactly why, but I was-- Oh yeah!! Okay so Brittney wouldn't quit poking me as we walked over to our first courtyard activity. Jason ended up holding me back as I tried to go after Brittney to get my revenge. He wrapped his arms around me and I won't lie, it felt nice, but I didn't think anything of it. Once he finally let me go, I made some remark about him not being man enough, but he heard me and ended up chasing me around our circle of friends.

Okay, so we got to the racecar thingies, and mine was a total rip off! My car was missing a pedal and all that was left was the spring that was coiled around the pole where the pedal should've been. So my foot kept slipping and I was soooo sloooow!! It was kind of fun but still cheap.

After we did that, we made our way over to the Maze map so we could decide what to do next. We could've gone into the Corn Maze, but it wouldn't have been a whole lot of fun because it wasn't haunted yet. We had to wait until 7 for that.

Now you have to understand something. Everyone who was there was from the band hall, and everyone in the band hall (with the exception of Jay) uses lots of innuendo. We mess around with each other all the time. That's just what we do. So while we were standing around the map, Jason and Casey and David and I all messed around with each other, me being the center of it all.

Finally, we decide to go in the Giant. I said I needed a scare buddy (which is true because I don't like surprises most of the time) and Jason was the first one to call dibs on me. We started walking towards the Giant and I think I heard Joe say, "Oh, no fair, Jason!" but I can't be sure. Jason and I went through the Giant first and we held on to each other the whole way.

Another thing you have to understand is that I'm a very touchy feely person. I mean, if you saw me and David on a daily basis, then you would understand. I love physical contact (not sex or groping) and I have no idea why. For a girl who's so distant, I sure like to be close with my friends.

When we got out, Jason gave me his coat and I put it on pretty much just because I think it's a freakin' awesome coat. Once everyone else was out of the Giant, Alice and Lily went to ask if we could go back in when the Giant was haunted, but no such luck.

Next, we made our way to the jungle gym where I was poked, chased, and I raced Jason down the kiddie slides....and I cheated so that I would win. Hahahahaha!!! We spent a lot of time in there and then went to wait right in front of the actual Maze entrance. There's a flagpole that's surrounded by stinky corn kernels. So for the next 10-15 minutes, we spent our time burying various members of the group and throwing corn at each other. I got chased and poked yet again, and I also stole Joe's light saber again. When he started looking for it, I swear I stood there in front of him for like a whole minute before he noticed that I had his damn saber.

Just a little after 7, we entered Phase 1 of the Corn Maze. Jason still wanted to be my scare buddy so we went in together. I can't deny it because everyone was witness to it, but Jason and I were holding on to each other almost the intire time. Half of me didn't think much of it (because, again, I love physical contact), and the other half of me...well...liked it a little more than that. I think it's safe to say that I kind of like Jason. Whenever I pulled away for a little bit, he pulled me right back to him, which was nice. He also kissed me on the top of my head...like three times.

I don't remember how, but I got separated from the group and ended up walking behind Brittney and Natalie. Not too long after that, we found Casey and started to follow him around because he seemed like he had a better idea of where to go then we did. Somehow, Casey and I got separated from Brittney and Natalie. Before last night, Casey and I had never really talked to each other even though we see each other everyday. But while he were walking around, we talked and joked and, wouldn't ya know it? We ended up walking around with our arms around each other's waist, and it wasn't nearly as awkward as it normally would've been.

I had to call Alice once, but we finally made it out of Phase 1, and who do you think was waiting? Jason. He was quick to take my attention back. There was still no sign of Brittney and Natalie, so I sat myself down on the grass in front of the exit of Phase 1. David and Danny were to the left, sitting in chairs. Alice and Lily had back into the Maze to try and find the missing two of our group. Jason came and sat by me and hinted that he wanted me to snuggle up to him, but I ignored it the first few times before I finally gave in. (At this point, I'd given him his coat back because I was too hot in it.)

While Jason was sitting to my left, Kate came and sat to my right. She started talking to me about her experience in the Maze and I gave her all of my attention. I was glad for the distraction because I didn't want to Jason to try anything to fill an awkward silence...

Since I was paying close attention to Kate, Jason got up and went over to David and Danny. I felt a bit better then, like I wasn't suffocating from awkwardness.

As soon as Jason was gone, Casey came over and layed right in front of me. I pretended to kick him and Kate joined in. We messed around a little before I got up and went to give David a hug.

Side Note: Hugging David as much I do is great because we can mess around and hug each other all the time without it ever meaning anything awkward. I love that a lot.

So I was standing behind David with Jason sitting in the chair to my left and Danny sitting in the chair to my right. Somehow, Jason ended up in the chair that Danny was in and Casey ended up in the chair that Jason was in. I was thinking really hard about how the night had been going so far, so nobody really tried to talk to me, which was fine.

When Brittney and Natalie came out, we waited until Brittney could get a band-aid because she tore her finger on the fence or something, and then we were ready for Phase 2 of the Corn Maze. It was great because like six of us huddled together and considered going through the Maze like that, but it didn't happen that way. Haha.

After I got my ticket hole punched, I went in and Jason got ahold of me right away. That's how we went through all of Phase 2, except this time the whole group stayed together, and we'd picked up a few more just before that. I have no idea who they were, but everyone else seemed to.

Casey led the way through Phase 2 until we reached the line for Scream Acres (which was kind of lame, I think...) I won't spend time describing the entire experience through Scream Acres, but I will say that the chainsaws and the truck were pretty badass. Other than that, I think they could've done a better job.

So when we all got out of Scream Acres, we found out that Natalie had sprained her ankle while we were gone. (She didn't want to go with us through Phase 2) Jason held on to me for a while longer before he went to take care of his sister. Eventually, I realized that I'd lost my ticket somewhere in Scream Acres. So while everyone else (except Natalie) went into Pitch Black (which they said was REALLY lame), I went back and layed down in the Jungle gym.

I watched a guy play hackeysac (sp?) and then I just looked up at the stars. I couldn't see many of them though, and that made me kind of sad. While I was laying there, I prayed. Now, I'm not an uber-religious person. The only thing I believe in is God. I don't believe in Jesus or the Bible. I just feel like I need someone to talk to about anything, and God is that person. So I silently prayed for guidance. I figured that this next week can go one of three ways:

1) Both Joe and Jason will ask me out
2) Only one of them will ask me out
3) I'll get lucky, and neither of them will ask me out

So I pretty much asked God to help me sort out my feelings and find a way to reject who I need to reject in such a way so that none of my friendships are ruined any. I hope I can do this...

When everyone got out of Pitch Black, they came to find me (except I think Jason went to see how Natalie was doing).

I can't remember exactly, but at one point it was just Joe who layed next to me and then it was Lily. Next was Casey. I think I was talking to Joe or something when Casey randomly yet slowly grabbed my hand. Again, I didn't protest because 1) it made me feel better, and 2) I didn't even realize it a few seconds. He messed around and made me laugh a little bit and then kissed the back of my hand, which I didn't mind at all. Hmmmm....

I finally sat up and Lily came to sit on my right while Casey sat on my left. I had Joe call Jay because Jay was supposed to bring Cassie's markers that he stole. We have to use these specific markers for our Music History project, but Jay keeps forgetting to bring them. While Joe was leaving a message on Jay's phone, I noticed for the first time that Joe was wearing shorts and a short-sleeved shirt. He said something about not being able to move his hands so I felt them, and sure enough, they were freezing.

Item #3 to understand: I am such a mom. Almost all my friends can attest to that.

Keeping in mind item #3, I took Joe's free hand in mine and tried to warm it up. I promise that this was just because I was a little worried. Come on! It's the last day of October! This time last year, there was snow on the ground! Plus it was like 10pm... It was cold, alright!!

So after I'm pretty sure that he's not going to get frostbite, I got up and off of the Jungle gym. (Sometime before this, a couple of kids came and talked to us a little and I helped one onto the monkey bar-type-things).

I don't remember who I was talking to, but all of a sudden, Joe came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. That felt slightly uncomfortable, but I was too tired to care...and I just didn't know what to do about it...

Mercifully, Kate came over and told Alice and I that her mom was here to pick us up. (Sometime before this, Jason and Natalie had to leave. He came over and gave me a big hug and then left). I said my good-byes and gave Casey my phone number after Lily declared her love for me. Ahhh I love that chick. We've been friends for a looong time. :)

So Alice, Joe, and I left with Kate and her mom. In the car, I sat in the back in the middle with Alice on my left and Joe on my right. Kate sat in the front with her mom. We were all pretty tired, but we still had to recap the night for Kate's mom. (I can't remember her name!!) x_x

While I was staring out the windowshield, Joe randomly took my hand in his, and damnit, I let him. I sound like a total slut, don't I? Well just you wait! The best (worst) is yet to come!

So during the time it took to get to Joe's house, he'd lain his head on my shoulder, linked his fingers with mine, and just before he got out of the car, he kissed me on the cheek. Being the retarded and sleep-deprived zombie that I was, I let him to all of this AND I gave him a hug before he got out of the car....

After that, we went to Kate's house and ate sweets, apples and carmel, drank everything from grape juice to soda to water, watched the Disney channel, picked on Kate's bird, and texted Casey. It was really fun even though we were all sooo freakin' tired!!

I ended up being the last one fall asleep. While Kate and Alice were asleep, I got up and turned of all the lights that were on. I tried to turn the tv off, but I couldn't figure out how to, so I just left it on and went to sleep.

So that's pretty much what went down Halloween night.

Here's how I see things:

Joe: He's a nice guy, but he's too awkward for my taste. I'm the kind of girl who likes to take things a tad slower than others. Joe kind of crossed the line when he kissed me on the cheek. I mean, everything else was like walking the line. I probably should've said something to him...but I'm too damn nice!!!! D: If he asks me out, there's no doubt in my mind that I'll reject him. How? I have no clue!

Jason: I'm surprised he's even interested in me! I mean, he's too good looking. Haha not really. I just wouldn't see him as someone who'd be crushing on me. He's also a bit of a playa. I mean...he told me that he was looking to better his realtionships; to work on them, but I'm not so sure... He's well aware that I don't plan on having sex for a looong time, so if he still likes me after knowing that, then he might be worth it... But last night was the first time we ever officially talked. I can't determine much after just one night. If he asks me out, I'll tell him that I have to get to know him much better first.

....Casey: ....I don't know... He didn't do anything that would make me positive that he likes me as more than a friend. Honestly, throughout the whole night, I felt the most comfortable, and pathetically, the most safe, when I was with him. He also made me laugh a lot. There was absolutely nothing that he did that made me feel uncomfortable. I doubt he'll ask me out, but if he does... I think I'd be more likely date him if anyone...

Of course, I still have feelings for Jay, but I'm pretty damn sure that ship has sailed. And now that I think about it, I never did get the markers from him last night....

The only time I wish I was completely unattractive...

You know what I don't get? Why is it that everyone seems to like me all of a sudden? I mean, I can count five guys that like me right now, and one of them asked me out two days ago. This is ridiculous because:

1) He doesn't even know me! I mean, we'd probably said twenty words to each other before he asked me out!

2) Okay, just about everyone knows that I'm kinda sorta hung up on someone else right now. If this person knows that, then why would he bother asking me out? And if he doesn't know, then he's bad at paying attention to details, which is so not a quality that girls want in a guy.

3) HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME!!

Let's name this guy Chuck. Chuck is a really nice guy. Even though I know virtually nothing about him, I've been able to gather that he's sweet. No, he's not super hott or anything, but he's not fugly either. That's not why I'm going to reject him. The following reasons ARE why I'm going to reject him, though.

A) Chuck knows nothing about me, so how can he possibly expect to have a relationship with me? For all he knows, I could be the biggest bitch alive or a total slut. He wouldn't want to have a relationship with someone like that. Chuck may be nice, but he's sure not a thinker, and I don't like that.

B) Chuck is starting to seem a little bit like a stalker. This past April, I did have a stalker, but he only stalked me in school. Of course, I didn't like him like that; I was merely nice to him. I was/am also nice to Chuck, so I think that's why he's all goo-goo-eyed over me right now. I didn't flirt with him AT ALL. And if I did, I sure as hell don't remeber it, so he has no other reason to like me. Back in April, my stalker would follow me around the school during lunch and in between classes. I started to get stressed out and scared because I couldn't bring myself to just get rid of him. When he asked if I had a boyfriend, I said no, but I should've said yes. When he asked if I wanted to have lunch with him, I should've said no, but I didn't have to heart to do it. I hid from him at lunch instead... and long story short, I ended up with my first ever boyfriend who was supposed to pretend to be my boyfriend so that I'd have an excuse to reject my stalker. It turned out that my "boyfriend" actually wanted to be my boyfriend.... and so we went out, but that's another story for another time. ANYHOO.... Today at lunch, Chuck kept following me everywhere. I would go out in the band hall to talk to Cassie, and Chuck followed right at my heels. I went to the otherside of the band hall and sat on the risers, and Chuck came right along with me and stood by me until the guy I was sitting by got up. Then Chuck decided he needed to sit by me. I was feeling uncomfortable, so eventually, I stood up and walked back into the band room, and wouldn't ya know it? Chuck remained my shadow. I went to sit in a chair, and he came and sat behind me. I didn't really talk to him because I just wanted him to go away. You think he would get a clue...

C) I'm still hung up on Jay. I know I have no chance with him, but I still really like him. Unlike Chuck, I don't stalk my crushes. I've left Jay alone during lunch for the most part...except when I just wanted to see him. He doesn't seem to mind. He doesn't walk away from me like I walk away from Chuck. But more to the point, I don't like Chuck the way he likes me. Maybe if Jay didn't cloud my mind, I might just try going out with Chuck. The thing is, it wouldn't be fair to Chuck if while I dated him, I still had strong feelings for Jay. I can't just make those go away. I wish I could, because my feelings are so not being returned, but it's just not going to happen. If I dated Chuck right now, I would still always be thinking about Jay, and that would make me a shitty girlfriend. I refuse to do that to anyone, so I really just can't date Chuck.

If I explain all of this to him, will he understand and be okay with it? Or will he think I'm lying and just assume that I think he's fugly and annoying. I mean...he is kind of annoying, but that has nothing to do with why I don't have a crush on him. Either tomorrow he'll ask for my phone number, or he'll ask me out again, or he'll wait until early next week to try again. I wish he would just give up, but I doubt it. Either way, I'll have to deal with him and let him down as easily as I can.

Cassie wouldn't be too happy if she read this...

Two guys: A best friend and a nothing-more-than-a-friend friend...

Soooo today was a crappy day. Really. There was crap all over the place, and as you can imagine, it smelled horrific... Ha just kidding. No, the hallways in my school were not lined with shit. I may have a screwed up mind, but I wouldn't write about that because it would get very boring very quickly. I could, however, talk about the horrible day I had...but I'm tired of reliving it. Instead, I'll talk about my best guy friend.

David is amazing. He's the most fun person I know!! Now, before I go on, you all have to know something. David and I are not now and never have crushed on each other. We're pretty damn close to best friends, is all. He has an amazing girlfriend that just moved to Florida over the summer. She actually flew back here to celebrate David's birthday with him and go to our school's homecoming with him. Isn't that awesome?? I thought it was amazing!! They're crazy about each other and I support them 110%.

Now that we have that out of the way, we can move on. David's girlfriend flew in on Thursday, so he only went to school half a day before he left with his mom to go pick up his woman at the airport. They ended up spending the weekend together and David also missed school today so he could take her to the airport and such. BUT he's going to be back at school tomorrow and I'm soo excited!! David makes me laugh, therefore he makes me happy. I like to be happy, so it makes sense that I like to be around David, does it not? Of course it does. And besides, the only other person that can really make me happy is going to be gone all week, so I'm missing out there...except maybe I'm not....

Perhaps being away from this person will help me to think clearer. Perhaps...I can resolve a few things for myself that way I'll know where I stand when I see this person again. But there's always the possibility that I will resolve nothing. And I'm thinking if that happens and I get stuck back at square one...then it may be possible that I'm not deluding myself into thinking I'm feeling more than I really am. In simpler terms (I think), I hope to decifer my feelings before this person gets back. If I still feel the same or I feel even more towards them, then I think it's safe to assume that there are no delusions where I am concerned. But if my feelings have all but vanished by then....well I guess I'm safe.

I expect this person's feelings to have disappeared, so in a way, I'm hoping for my feelings to do the same thing. It's hard to love someone that doesn't love you back. Sure, it's possible, but it hurts every moment of every day. I don't want to feel that anymore...or ever again...but I suppose that's just life, right? Besides....who says I even love him....? >.>