A few reasons to be horrified...

So today was interesting. As far as the three guys go, here's the gist of it all:

Joe: Cassie asked him if he liked me (even though I already told her that he did) and he confirmed it. But here's the messed up part. Joe used to be all in love with this chick named Stacie. (No, that's not her real name.) He was heartbroken when she didn't like him even though he thought she did. Well when Cassie talked to him, he said that he wasn't going to let anyone take me away from him like they took Stacie away. That, right there, is stalker potential, but I believe Cassie told him not to be all stalkerish with me. I hope he takes the hint. I ignored him most of the day, so hopefully he'll move on quickly enough...

Jason: He didn't even acknowledge me today, which is good, I guess. I'm pretty sure my feelings for him are dissipating. I had a dream a couple of nights ago that he came up to me in the band hall and said that he was just kidding when he said he liked me at the Corn Maze. I'm not entirely sure if that's the case, though... When Cassie was telling me about Joe, she also mentioned that Jason had told Joe that he liked me. I don't know when this happened, but I'll ask Cassie if I can remember to. Anyway, he was my second choice out of the three guys, but I think I'll just take him off the table.

Casey: Ah...Casey. He's my number one (if we don't count Jay, which I'm not because nothing's going to happen there). Today, not only did he poke me and flirt, he hugged me too. Yes, the power of the hug. Joe hugged me in the morning, but it didn't feel like this. AND David took me aside this morning and asked me what I would say if Casey asked me out. I think I blushed a bit before I said that Casey's the one I'm most inclined to go out with right now. Apparently, Casey was thinking about asking me out, but I don't know anything other than that. : / We're texting each other right now actually, and I'm torn between asking him about what David said...or just flirting and leaving it alone for now... I guess we'll see! It's only taken me a day to get to the point where I wish he would ask me out... I wonder what that means?

Now that we have that settled, I have some more interesting news. Today in English class, we did this survey-type-thing where you have the following colors: Yellow, orange, red, white, and green. For each color, you match a name with it. The name needs to be of a person that you know. When I read each color, I tried to write down the first name that came to my mind. Here's how it went:

Yellow: Colton (my brother)
Orange: Kansas (Cassie's boyfriend)
Red: Jay
White: Casey
Green: Jason

These were honestly the first names I thought of for each one. Now, here's what it all means:

Colton: someone I'll never forget
Kansas: someone I consider to be a true friend
Jay: someone I really love
Casey: my twin soul
Jason: someone I will remember for the rest of my life

Interesting enough, no? Yes, yes it is. Now, of course I'll never forget my brother and I'm sure I'll always remember Jason. But what about the rest?

Kansas and I tolerate each other because of Cassie, like I've said before, but there have been times when we were something close to friends. Like today, when Cassie told me about Joe, Kansas asked if he needed to beat Joe up for me. Yeah...not something I would expect him to offer to me, but okay. Who knows? Maybe we'll become friends in the distant future. I have no idea. We'll see.

As for Casey being my twin soul... I have no idea what that means... I always thought it meant that your twin soul is like your best friend, but maybe not. Even if Casey and I end up as "best friends", I would still always want to be more than that. That's just how it works. I mean, look at Jay and Marie! Anyway, maybe this is a good sign. Maybe we will have a relationship that will last.

Speaking of Jay... I was planning on ignoring him today (mostly because he always seems to ignore me), but while I was doing the lab in first block, he came up behind me and talked to me. He even laughed...without me even making a funny. He picked on me. No joke. Was it...flirting? Part of me hopes it was, and part me hopes it wasn't. And here's the best part...or maybe the worst part...I haven't really decided. During access today, he drove me to my mom's so I could get my notebook because I forgot it. (It turns out it had been in the band hall all weekend...) But the thing is...just when I thought I could ignore him and move on, here I was, in his little truck, listening to his awesome music...and loving being alone with him. I've been trying to tell myself that whatever I feel for him is nothing more than an infatuation...but after today...I'm not so sure. The survey/test thingy says that I really love him, which I've had my own suspicions about, but is it true? Have I fallen in love with him? Part of me likes the idea, but the majority of me is terrified...

Besides bringing all my grades up to A's, I want more than anything to be able to sort out my feelings and do what I have to do. Is that such a hard thing to ask for??