I hate that I have women's intuition...

Okay, so here it is, since I haven't been on for a few days...

Friday was supposed to be the big day, right? Wrong. All day at school, I tried not to be a brooding teenage girl, but it happened anyway. Before I go any further, I'll just come out with it. Jay and I did not go to the movies Friday night.

I was depressed in a sense that day because I knew this was going to happen. And it sucks because it's exactly how I felt when Jay "left" the first time. I changed my profile style and status and everything before anything even happened. After that Monday night, my profile looked very depressing. Jay couldn't decide between me or another girl, so naturally, I felt horrible. I already knew I wasn't going to win him over, and I didn't, but I'll explain that part later. Anyway, right before he tells me about this other girl, I changed my profile background to one that had a picture of a heart that appeared to be shattered, so I titled the layout Shattered. Then I think my status said something like this:

So what do you do when you want something that others want too? Do you fight? Share? Or do you become generous enough to give it all up...

When I wrote that, I was thinking about Marie and Jay and how I was pretty sure they would end up back together. Anyway, the point is that I knew something was going to happen to make Jay's feelings change completely. And it did.

Friday, I had that same feeling. I didn't really talk to anybody and all through lunch, I sat in the music library in the dark. When I finally got home from school, I was still out of sorts, but I tried to fix it. The only thing is that my mind wouldn't stop thinking...

Jay doesn't give me hugs. I have to do it. He hardly talks to me willingly, though that has improved a bit. On Friday, it occured to me that since we hadn't talked at school that day, that he would probably back out of our "date". When it got to be about the time that he was supposed to pick me up, I told my mom, "It's really gonna suck if he doesn't show up..." She looked at me funny and said, "Why wouldn't he?" I just shrugged and went into the bathroom to put my hair up.

I sat in my room and thought and thought and thought....and then my phone rang. It was Kansas. I didn't answer. I just closed my eyes and lay on my bed. Then Cassie called, and I still didn't answer... after maybe ten minutes of nothing, I listened to the message that Kansas left. If I'd saved it, I would write what he said on here, word for word, but I didn't think about it.

He said that Jay couldn't make it. That's the gist of it all. I almost cried...almost...and I don't know why... Okay, so maybe I do know why...but there's no way in hell that I'm about to admit it. I pulled myself together and faced the world, so to speak...

I texted Kansas after that and told him that I got his message. He told me he was sorry like four times. While I was texting Kansas, my mom and Ashley got nice and pissed off because I got stood up (at least that's what it seemed like...). Ashley decided that we would go to the movie anyway with my brother, Luke and Alex. I debated between staying home and going out....and decided, "To hell with it. I'm still going to see that damn movie."

As we all got into the car, I texted Kansas and said, "No worries. I'm still going to the movies. I'm not gonna let his lies pull me down. Not tonight." Kansas said he was sorry again and I left it at that.

Alex was late to the movie, so Luke, my brother and myself went into the theater while Ashley waited for Alex. We sat close to the top of the theater, and when Ashley and Alex finally found us, we sat like this: Alex, me, my brother, Luke, Ashley

Alex is 21 and I consider him to be one of my best guy friends. He made everything better that night, and I am eternally grateful to him for that. He messed around with me and teased me and called me Fatty (which is something he's always done...) and we laughed hysterically at all the blood that flashed across the screen. After the movie, we went to Pitcher's and ate and laughed and I got to watch Alex get drunk.

Side note: I love Alex. He's 21, but he's so immature. I'm so happy he's moving back here in January!!! He makes me laugh constantly and I know he would defend me in anything if I ever needed it. He would come to the rescue at anytime for me. He bought me a book today. It's one of my vampire books. Man, I love those things...

Anyway, the night wasn't all that bad, even though Saw II is still the best out of all of them.

All this weekend, my internet wasn't working, so I couldn't talk to Jay and figure out what the hell happened. On Saturday, I was supposed to have a voice lesson, but I had my mom cancel it because I was feeling too out of sorts. Then, I had a sudden urge to spend the day with my grandmother on my mom's side. I've never wanted to do that before... So I called her and she said she would love to spend time together, just the two of us. THEN something outrageous happened.... I wanted to wear makeup. I know I know...freaky, right? But I did it. I wore makeup all day, and I looked hott, if I do say so myself. My hair was working with me too. I should've taken pictures, but I didn't feel up to it.

When I got to my grandma's, we went shopping for like two and a half hours. I got some new casual clothes and a new outfit to wear to my choir concerts, including shoes. Now THAT made me look smokin'. No joke. Black is definitely my color.

Then we went to my aunt's house to babysit my baby cousin. He's so cute and incredibly smart! That kid is in love with me. ;) And my aunt has this little puppy that's a mix between a Golden Retriever and a Poodle. I'm stealing that dog. I'm serious. He's mine... >.>

I finally got back to my dad's and was left alone at the house. I pretty much just sang to myself, like I always do when I'm alone, until my dad and brother got home. They were supposed to get grocerys but they didn't do a very good job. *Sigh* I should've given them a list...

The rest of the night consisted of me doing dishes and watching AVP:R downstairs. When I finally went to bed, I listened to my Zune for two hours before I could fall asleep...

Today, I stayed home again. In the morning, the three of us went outside and played some catch. Colton's getting better. I'll have to step it up a bit if I plan on always being better than him... Well actually, he can throw faster than me, but I'm the better catcher by far. And I'm a faster runner. I always have been, especially in school. I got my daddy's wheels...

My mom picked Colton and I up around four today.... Then I checked my email....

Jay sent me a message and a comment. He apologized and told me what happened with the Navy and whatnot. I replied to both and I'm waiting to hear from him as I type. Now, let's backtrack through the weekend and add in a few things:

Friday: I was convinced that Jay just didn't want to go out with me anymore. My dad called him a fag. Ashley said he's not good enough for me anymore. My mom says I should give him a second chance...

Saturday: My mom has a big mouth. My grandma says I should just tell Jay, "Look, if you didn't want to go out with me, then you should've just told me...." That's tempting, but I don't know if I could talk to him about it in person even though I'm getting pretty sick of this whole internet thing... When I saw my dad, I held on to him for a long time. He stroked my hair and said, "Look, honey. Don't worry about this guy. I know how you feel. It's like when I played baseball. I would be up to bat and concentrating so hard on getting the next hit...but when the ball passed by, I thought, 'What the hell??' but then the next time, I concentrated even harder and got the hit I was looking for... There will be other guys, baby. You're a beautiful young woman who knows what she wants, and you'll get it one way or another. If this guy is really what you want, then you'll have him eventually. If he decides he wants you just as much, then all I ask is that he knows he better really love you; it's hard to chew without any teeth in your mouth..."

I love my dad. He's so funny but he makes a lot of sense when he needs to.

Today: I was dying to get to a computer. I had to know what Jay was thinking. I had to know how hard he was trying to apologize, if at all. I was able to determine a lot from that, but I still need more clarification. If he apologizes in person, then he gets a second chance. If his remorse only exists online....well I'll forgive him, but as far as second chances go, I'm not sure yet. I don't usually forgive so easily. Then again, what if he doesn't want a second chance? I'll have to know that before I know anything else for sure.

To change subjects, this fucking guy needs to leave me alone. He's from Denver and he is so insistent on me cybering with him. I can tell him to leave me be, but he doesn't get it. Sex is all he sees when he thinks of me. Bastard. He wants to try tonight. Pig. This is the eighth offer I've gotten this week. I'm really not that attractive. I don't get it, but whatever.

TWILIGHT COMES OUT IN THEATERS THIS WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh man I would preorder tickets if I had a credit card!!! That movie is gonna be the best selling one in history!!! Maybe.... I don't think I'll get to see it but I've read the books. I waited all night to get the last one as soon as it went on sale. I also want to see Madagascar 2....which I think I might do over Thanksgiving Break, since I'm not going to Illinois anymore. I would explain why, but I can't. :)

Anyway, I don't want to go to school tomorrow, but I kinda have to. Hopefully, I won't be too miserable. Wednesday will be here before I know it...and then the moment of truth will occur, and I'm not sure I care one way or another. I can't think of any good reason to be rooting for one result over the other.