It's that time of the month for booding...

Before I get to the "good" stuff, I'll go ahead and update my situation with the guys:

Jason: He didn't do much today. He looked me up and down once, but nothing major.

Casey: He hugged me and tried to tickle me and asked if I wanted to make out and blah blah blah. Everytime he asks if I want to make out, I say yes like it's no big deal. Then, he says, "Okay..." and moves in like he's going to. I don't move a muscle as he gets closer....and brings his hand up to the side of my face....and places his thumb over my lips....and then kisses his thumb. I think it's hilarious! I think that's why I even like Casey at all. He reminds me of David, but David and I have never been and never will be romantic. Casey just has that personality where he's fun yet still respectful. He never actually kisses me and has never touched my ass or boobs or anything like that. Today during lunch, I was sitting in the band room and Casey came and sat by me. He did the whole "making out" spiel and then randomly interlaced his fingers with mine. I instinctively did it back, but then I remembered how much more complicated things have gotten lately. So instead, I just kind of stared off into space for a few heartbeats and let my hand lay limp in his. Half of him did it just to mess around, and the other half did it because that's the part that still likes me... How do I feel? I love his personality for the most part, but I don't think I would date him anymore, and I'm not sure why...

Jay: Wow....today was a lot different than yesterday. We hugged once and said maybe 50 words to each other, which really isn't a lot. In Computer Programming, we didn't talk until the end of class, and even then, we just kind of stood there, him staring off into space, and me staring at him, trying to figure him out. I didn't get very far. At lunch, Jay was there when Casey held my hand. That's part of the reason why I ignored Casey more than I usually would. I don't know if Jay saw and I don't know if he would care, but I still thought I'd be a little curtious towards him and try not to stir up any more confusion. Later on during lunch, Zac was giving me a little bit of a back massage and I had my eyes closed. Jay had Zac's crutches and was beind me...ish... He tried to tickle me a couple of times, but I wasn't really up to it. Don't get me wrong, anytime Jay pays attention to me, I'm all for it, but tickling just wasn't something I wanted today. Besides, if I'd stood up to tickle him back, he would just say, "No! Get away from me!" And so I would.I always do. What else am I supposed to do? It doesn't feel all that great to be told to get away from the person you like...but it's even worse when he's the one telling you. Usually, I just blow it off, but today, it only made my mood worse....

Last night, Jay asked if I wanted to go see Saw 5 with him this weekend. Of course, I said yes...after a little bit of German and Spanish...and then he goes, "Sweet, then it's a date."

That made me raise an eyebrow, but it's nothing compared to what my mom did. I was just going to lie and tell her and my dad that I was going to a movie with Cassie, but she snuck up behind me and read the message I was currently replying to. Ooops... so then she says a whole bunch of stuff in a matter of, like...two minutes....

"You can't lie to your dad..."
"We haven't even met this boy....We'll have to meet him first..."
"Does he drive? How long has he been driving? I can't know if he's a good driver...."
"He's too old for you..."
"How did he ask you?..." To this one, I gave my mother a demeaning look and said, "Oh, he just dropped by the apartment to ask me to go see a movie this weekend." I was totally being sarcastic, but my mom thought I was serious for a second...
"What day?..."
"What time?..."
"What movie?..."
"How do we know if we can trust him?"
"I'm going to ask Dr. Phil about a 15-year-old dating an 18-year-old..."
"It's going to be so a hard to let go..."


And they only got more ridiculous from there. The woman asks like Jay asked me to marry him! For fuck sake!! It's a movie! I'll only be gone for a couple of hours!!! I've gone to movies with boys before. I don't understand why my mom would act so incredibly retarded over this! I even went to--nevermind. I don't want to relive that.

She also acts like Jay and I are dating.... Dr. Phil?? Is she fucking kidding me? My mom and dad are three years apart. My grandparents are five years apart. What would it really even matter? I could care less because I'm way too mature for my own age; I just hide it constantly because it's not natural. Jay isn't some totally mature adult or anything. He can be just as immature as I pretend to be.

It's just a movie. I'm not passing this up for anything. I don't care if my dad will be pissed and want to tear Jay apart. I won't let him. I don't care that my grandpa will be skeptical. It's not going to change anything on my end. I'm a 15-year-old girl who's seen a lot more than I ever should've. I've been through hell and back, but nobody knows it. Jay's been through some shit too. Maybe that's another reason why I like him; the more we have in common, the more kudos he gets, and the more I like him. He could kill somebody right now, and I would still like him.

Anyway, I plan on going to this movie as long as Jay's able to go. If something happens, fine. My parents will never know about it anyway. If nothing happens, fine. I don't expect anything to, but I'm prepared for whatever. Literally....

Moving on...

I became suddenly depressed today. You know why? I'll tell you. I seem to be getting worse and worse everyday, and only one person will know what I mean by that. Today, Cassie had to reset my sternum twice, and then I had to have another friend of mine do it in third block. I can't sleep and I almost passed out last night. And the dream I had when I finally got to sleep... I haven't had that one for two and a half years. I woke up at 4:17 am, crying silently with my pillows and blankets tossed on the floor. Today, I was just flat out drained. I wanted to crawl under the table in the band room and never come out. It's a good thing David was there so I could hug him whenever I wanted. I know he'll always hold me whenever I need it, and whenever I don't. I love that boy to death because of that.

I'm not ready to go. Whenever I used to think about death, I never cared. But now, I seem to be desperate to survive. I mean...there are still a lot of things I want to do. And if I have to leave without ever knowing what it feels like to be kissed, I think I'll come back and haunt the shit out of everyone and everything on this Godforsaken Earth. I'm a girl; we all want to know what it's like; the only thing is that I'm a little behind everyone else. Oh well. I'm still here for the time being, so I'll just try to enjoy what I can, even if I feel helpless and alone...