What to do...what to think...hm...

Okay...um...things are different now, though not drastically. Not yet. There's still more drama to come, but I'll deal with that when I have to.

First things first:

Joe: I'm taking him off of this little daily update thing I have going on. He hasn't done anything obsessive at all, so I'm pretty sure he's not as crazy about me as he thought he was. Actually...he did do something to piss me off pretty good. Zac picked me up last week and threw me over his shoulder, and Joe thought it was okay to slap my ass. It hurt. I screamed. I wanted to beat the hell out of him. That is not the way to a girl's heart. Not mine, anyway. That little shit...I'm over it for the most part because I made him feel really bad, but if he ever tries it again or so much as hugs me for longer than I like, I think I might rip his head off. I have to protect myself because no one else will. I can be a real bitch if you provoke me. I wouldn't advise it.

Jason: He did something stupid as I walked by him during lunch that made me laugh. I guess he took that as permission to acknowledge my presence again because he started poking me in an attempt to tickle me. Unfortunately for him, he forgot where my tickle spot was so it gave me a chance to try and tickle him back...but then I remembered that he's not ticklish whatsoever. Anyway, I have no interest in him anymore, so he'll probably come off the list soon too.

Casey: I don't like him as much as I did. I think it's because of the flirty thing. He still hugs me whenever he can and tries to tickle me and we use a bunch of innuendo, but... Yeah, I don't know if I would go out with him anymore. He's an amazing guy, but there's just a lack of...a connection, I suppose. We'll see how things go, but I'm positive nothing's happening there.

Jay:...When I look back at yesterday's blog, I almost wish I'd waited to write anything. Not too long after I posted it, I talked to Jay. I'm not specifying what I told him because I don't want anyone else to know. Why did I tell Jay? Because I trust him...a lot. I didn't tell Cassie because she would freak out and be all depressed and tell everyone else. She has enough drama to cope with already, thanks to her idiot boyfriend. (I was okay with Kansas up until recently...) I don't want anyone else to know because...well I just don't like bringing everyone down with me. I'm not trying to bring Jay down at all. Actually, he's the last person I wanted to tell because of a situation in his family. But...I had to tell someone...because I feel a little less alone that way. Is that selfish? Probably, but I wasn't really thinking about it at the time.

Anyway, he basically said that he still likes me and was hoping to...ask me out? I didn't get clarification on that part, but whatever. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't...well shit. That would suck on my end. Wow that sounded naughty...

*Cough*

Now here's the part where Jeffery goes, "I told you!!!!!!"

And then I go, "Shed up!!!"

But I'm gonna be nice. Jeffery, you can pick on me all you want about this because you were right and I was pathetic. I still am, come to think of it. Hmm...

So...Jay likes me. Yeah, that was a little bit of a surprise to me, but it made me very happy, and I wasn't expecting it to. You should've seen me! I didn't fall asleep until two hours after I officially went to bed. Jay would scoff at that because he likes to stay up late, but it sure took a toll on me. I was funny-ish today. I know I made lots of people laugh, but everything just seemed kind of lacking today. Even where Jay is concerned. If I really think about it, I guess you could say we were closer today. He still tells me to go away whenever I pick on him, (which I still don't quite get), but he only flinched once out of the several times I hugged him. As for the lacking part...I have no idea what I mean by that. That's just how it felt.

I wish I'd kept the note Cassie and I were passing in Music History because now I can't remember everything, and I'm a person who loves all the little details. That's probably because I'm an analyst. Anyway, I told her that Jay still liked me and that he said he's waiting to man-up because he's a little bit of a chicken, which I thought was cute. But as I thought about it today and talked with Cassie, I started to wonder...

Side note: Cassie said that it's obvious Jay likes me and that Marie can't stand it. Cassie thinks that Marie doesn't come to the band hall as much as she used to because she can't stand that Jay likes me and that she doesn't want to put up with Jay paying attention to me. I thought that was an interesting thing for Cass to say. I don't really think that's what's going on. Marie knows she could get Jay back if she really wanted to. It wouldn't be hard for her, so if she was really so jealous, I would already be out of the picture. At least, that's how I see it. Plus, Jay only really "pays attention" to me in Computer Programming. Lunch hasn't changed at all...

Anyway....Cassie says I should ask Jay out because I'm impatient even though I try really hard not to be. In her own words, she said something along the lines of, "Do something crazy. Wear a thong and ask him out!" Now, the thong part is a theoretical thing. It means that she thinks I should do something I've never done before and take the chance of asking out Jay. There are a few things wrong with that:

1) What if he doesn't want me to? He's officially read all of my blogs and I wonder if he thinks any different of me. I told Cassie that I don't think Jay knew just how much I like him until he read all of this. Now that he knows, I wonder if it makes him uncomfortable around me. I wouldn't blame him. I hate being so hung up on a guy I'm not even dating. That scares me, but I don't think it would if he felt the same way because then I'd have less to worry about. The thing is, I doubt he feels the same way, so here I am, shaking in my...uh...socks.... : /

2) I have very little experience with relationships. The only "official" one I had was a bunch of shit. He asked me out and I didn't even think. I've never asked a guy out before. I don't know how!! I think I would die if I tried. I'm just so scared of a lot of things these days. Like...I'm scared for my life. I never really cared about dying before, but for some reason, it matters to me all of a sudden. And I'm also scared for my cousin's life...he's in Emergency Care right now. The pussy-faced bastards finally got to him.... But that's another story for another time. Bottom line is: I would ask Jay out, but I'm too scared to even fathom it.

3) I...I don't know. I want Jay very badly, and I don't think he quite realizes that. But I also don't want a repeat of my situation with Jake where we only had a relationship at school. Jay and I have more of a relationship online then in school. If we went out, I couldn't do that. I'm too much of a touchy-feely/clingy person for that. I want a relationship where we go the movies and hang out at the park and go to lunch and spend time at each other's houses. Yeah, I know; I'm too old for my own good. At least, my personality is... The problem with all this is that I highly doubt Jay will want any of that. He once told me he "craves clingy", but he doesn't seem like it. I'm afraid that I would be too much for him to handle. Not that he's not man enough to do it, because he by far is man enough, but because he's a guy. Guys don't like commitment. Except for gays, complete nerds, and the occasional super perfect guy. Ha sorry but it's true. I have a feeling Jay would grow tired of me quickly, which I would hate.

I just don't know anything for sure unless someone tells me, but how do you ask a person about all this without them thinking you're some obsessed freak? Cassie would say I'm looking into this too much, and I would agree, but I can't help it! Wherever my mind wanders, I must follow, so I think I'm screwed.

Oh AND couples usually kiss, right? Yeah...I've never done that before. I sure wouldn't be the first one to try it even though I would want to really bad. I'm so messed up. I still can't believe Jay even likes me. He's too amazing, and I'm not. It seems like he should have better...but then again, he doesn't have me, does he? We're both still single and anything goes. There's another scary thought; it's also another reason for my impatience. : /

To end things on a humorous side note:

Today in access, Jay and I were in the choir room. I'd just gotten done singing an a capella trio with Alice and Patricia (heh...Patricia...) and I went to stand in front of Jay as he was sitting down in a chair. I kinda looked him up and down and randomly said, "You're really hairy." I don't think he liked that very much, but I thought it was funny. I don't care if he's hairy or not; I still have the hots for him. So right after I said it, I laughed and said, "But that's okay," and then I gave him a hug. Since he was sitting down with one leg "crossed" over the other, it was a little hard to hug him; his leg was in my way. I had to tell him three times before he finally understood what I was saying (he had his earphones in), but when he did, he "uncrossed" his legs and I moved a little closer. In the midst of this, he had turned his face towards mine and so our cheeks were kind of rubbing...which sounds weird but I think I blushed. I'm a loser, I know..... And then Fran walks in and starts giving us crap because he thinks Jay and I are making out. Now THAT made me blush like no other....

Anyway, there it is. I'll try to keep this as updated as possible and I--- OMG!! I still have to see Saw 5!!! Shit.... I'll see if my mom will drop me off at the theater this weekend. I have to see it!!! Anyhoo...bye!